Oh, well allow me to retort

Replying to the comments found in my first post, I figured it would be long enough to include in an entirely new blog.

So, in reply to Midget: I'm well aware of changes; we all go through them and we all see everyone else go through them and I'm not trying to 'revive the past' as you put it, but merely trying to show people that holding onto their youth is a good thing. We need to let our hair down every once in a while otherwise we end up missing the positives in life and seeing an endless ocean of negatviity.

I'm aware of responsibilities and anyone who believes I haven't already planned to take on such responsibilities is a fool. Yes, I live with my parents, I only have a part-time job etc. but where I am now doesn't represent where I'll be in 5 years time.

In 5 years time things will be massively different. Who's to say any of us will even be speaking to one another then? This is my next point. I look at my parents and see them with minus amounts of £££ in the bank, I see them forking out on needless puchases for the home and I used to see my dad's day run like clockwork.

This is a mould I don't want to be a part of and I will do my best to break, because I don't want to be where my parents are in 20 years time. I want to be somewhere different; somewhere where people still have fun!

It's all good taking care of responsibilities, but you can't let that run your life or you end up a boring old fart. I honestly see myself as one of those old guys who still goes out clubbing in his old age; not drinking himself into the grave. I see myself as someone who maybe single when he's 50, but enjoying life every which way he can. I value my friendly/fun-loving side more than anything, because I see a lot of people who grow old miserably and I refuse to be one of them.

This is the main reason behind me trying to drag out everyone's youth and playfulness, because it's hard to keep hold of and I can already see some of you guys losing it.

In reply to Phil: I actually find your first sentence rather disrespectful. You have little/no idea what's gone on in the past year with this bullshit and it's something I'd rather you didn't. I wouldn't want any of my mates going through what I did last year - I felt close to suicidal at times.

How many people do honestly know would abondon raising their own child without a fucking good reason? No, I don't know any, because I'm not one of them.

Using the TA as an excuse to build him up is pointless, too. I mean I think there was someone else in our group who did that for a while... uhm... let me think. Oh yea! It was me! I, who regrettably left after having to take on other responsibilities (wow, there's that word again!).

I got 2 jobs in very quick succession - I couldn't keep up the TA as planning my future put me into so much financial turmoil.

It starts like this:

I joined the TA as a tender 17 year old fresh out of college. It wasn't until after my 18th birthday that I'd decided what it was I wanted to do with my life - drive!

The licence came within 3 months of my 18th birthday, as did a horrific break-up with my ex, Bernice. Another few months down the line I would eventually buy a car, which would dictate my life for the next 2 years (so far).

I was 18 years into my life when I decided that I'd want to drive for a living and with the way the world is, that would give me about 7 years to prepare. We're currently 2 years into those 7.

Everyone else is getting ahead with jobs, college, uni and everything else in their lives, whilst I hang back from the pack, getting a steady part-time job (which I've held for an entire year now), and just generally maintining myself.

My life is now a waiting game in turns of jobs - I have to plan my steps exceedingly carefully and time everything just right. The next step in my life will come after my 21st birthday, or as far forward as a few months before my 22nd - definately within the next year or so. I'll be building up money gained from a smaller insurance quote to finance lessons and a test for my LGV license, which I can obtain after 21 years of age.

From then, it will be a steady increase all the way to HGV Class 1 by the age of 25, where, hopefully, I will still be employed in some form by ASDA and this will give me the easiest path into the short-distance delieveries I'm aiming for (the exact same career of my late grandfather, Frank).

This whole plan comes to rest in 5+ years time when I have my HGV1 license in my hand and an HGV1 driver's pay rolling into my bank account. Then, and only then, could I possibly even consider the other aspects of my life including a serious relationship whereby I (may) get married and take on the responsibility of kids.

Make no mistake, though, I didn't simply decide to not raise my own son as I thought my career was more important, but that is one of a vast ocean of reasons not to raise Kian. This one is a somewhat selfish reason, but how would you like it if your entire future was put on the line in a similar situation?

A lot of people fold and conform to the life chosen for them - that's why there are so many single mothers on the dole raising kids on their own, but I'm not conforming to what is socially acceptable here. I was, and still am, more than happy to have had Kian adopted into a loving, caring family who would have given him the best possible start to life. Hell, I'd gladly have kept in touch with that family to make sure he was being brought up properly, but Lynn wasn't about to have any of that and if you ever find yourself in my shoes you'd KNOW that the bloke is POWERLESS in these kinds of situations - which gives reason to my earlier statement of being close to suicidal; the next 18 years of my life could have (and still can be) fucked up royally if Lynn decides, at any point, to turn around and say she wants child support.

That's always in the back of my mind now. She even text me the other day asking for money for a trust fund. There have been several occasions where I've seen my parents walk in the house with new baby toys. That shit still eats at me every day. My mother is so blind and selfish she doesn't care about the trauma I've had and the fact that this has actually scarred me.

I used to think that one day I was going to get married and settle down and have kids. Nowadays, I find myself shatting the world's biggest brick every time Sarah even mentions 'the future', because kids are something she's probably going to want in 'the future' and this whole ordeal has affected me.

In summary. No Phil, please, do not comment on something you know so little about. The passage above is simply the tip of the iceberg about my thoughts and feelings about Lynn, Kian and my parents' involvement in the life of the son I don't even have the privilege of seeing. It's not a decision I willingly made, but it's the decision I made to try and best suit everyone. My mam disagrees and that's why these constant reminders are brought into the house. This is why Lynn has been introduced to every member of my family without me even knowing.

It's not as if I never tried to ease the situation, either. I've passed Lynn pushing Kian down King Street more than once and it's been awkward as fuck. I sent her a text saying I didn't like it and that I'd rather exchange a pleasent 'hello' when we saw each other; she even agreed to this. However, whenever I'm reminded that she has involvement with every member of my family BAR ME, it makes me feel like I have to try and ignore the situation as much as possible which is the only thing I can really do now.

My parents fucked this whole thing up by going to see her behind my back, meeting Kian without even confirming my feelings over the situation. I can barely look at my mam now without being woefully disgusted at the way she tret me through the majority of last year, so the next time you see me exchange an angry word or two with my mother, just remember what's going through my head every time I communicate with her.

I've already explained how I felt about them seeing him, but she doesn't even care about my feelings, she was more concerned about the 'emotional attachment' she has with the kid having just seen him for 5 minutes, once.

On top of this, you've got to remember the situation is FAR from over. Give it about 15/20 years when he comes looking for his father and realises he doesn't even have to look very hard because he was right around the corner, hidden from view. Do you honestly think he's going to leap into my arms with joy and love for his long-lost father? No, I didn't think so. He's going to hate me. Please, tell me now if your life ambition is to have a son/daughter who grows up to despise you? No, I didn't think so.

As I said, it was not an easy choice, but at the same time, I feel my choice is being disrespected by my parents AND misinterpreted as an abandonment of my responsibilities by some of my friends and work colleagues (oh yea, they know about this shit, too). This is far away from the idea I've been trying to convey. All I want is the best for my son like any loving father and the first choice I've had to make in his life has been the hardest I've had to make in my life and that was the decision to not be a part of his life.

However, back to the matter at hand... Bullock... so, if you'd please remove your cock (Phil) from Bullock's ass, we may continue.

My next reason being that you have no idea how Bullock has even reacts to the shit that goes on between the two of us, but allow me to elaborate:

I was there, sitting 2 inches away from him as he was reading my blog. There was Jeff sitting opposite, rather drunk, trying to make out that the blog was x100 worse than it really was, which naturally got Bullock a little raged in itself.

He read it on Jeff's iPhone (I wouldn't allow him the use of my G1... just in case! lol). He wasn't even phased by it as it's actually all stuff we've discussed before - what was discussed in that blog was nothing new. He did rage originally, though, as Jeff was trying to make it out as if I'd been talking about all the dark and dirty secrets of Bullock's past, which made him rage and put me on the backfoot, but having tried my fucking best to explain the fact that Jeff was the one trying to stir the shit up this time and not me, he calmed his passions and read what was in front of him.

I don't write these things to stir up shit, I write them to try and discuss issues between our lot and bring up some difficult shit that people don't really want to talk about in person. From experience, I know that my blogs and the content of my blogs are often to the topic of conversation for days and sometimes weeks after I've posted them. I write them to get people's feelings out into the open and it works a fucking charm. Admittedly, a lot of it is negative, but since when in human history did people actively hide positive feelings?

Also, Phil, your point about acting responsible. I'm not saying we have to break the law or things like that to have a good time. A good example of that is the fact Andy and I love a round of Snooker every now and then and we've played so many games we've even lost track of score! That's a common hobby we have and we enjoy going out and doing it together.

You said you like playing football, I fucking love football. I know I used to be one of the unpopular kids in school, so I always got stuck at the back, usually in goal, but this only made me good in goal and that ended up being where I played all the way up until I left school. I'd love nothing more than being put back between those sticks in a proper match. I feel jealous of one of the guys I work with who plays in a small team - he's about 10 years or so older than me and he's doing something I'd love to be doing right now!

It's hard to find something to do as a group like our's. What you've got to do, really, is branch out by participating in things that get you doing things you love with people who love doing it. This is what I used to do, not so much now.

In the peak of my MySpace useage and my previous blogs I went so far as to meet complete strangers in random nearby towns just to see what the crack was. A bunch of people as random and as fun-loving as myself inviting me on nights out to just do what the hell we felt like and I swear to God they were some of the best people I ever met. Bad crack when I had no job and didn't have the money to go back and see them. I haven't been there in almost a year now because of my persistent financial issues.

As for your next point, Phil, I know it's a pain getting people out. There have been times where I've said I'd come jogging because, like you said, we're gonna meet in the middle and I really, REALLY don't want that. I know I take a bit of encouraging and that it might put a stump in your progress waiting for me to catch up to you, physically, but if we went out often enough we'd be on the same level by mid/end of the summer and we would constantly encourage each other to keep going because we're on the same level.

There's no reason why we can't have nights to ourselves. No reason what-so-ever. If you find yourself with 5 minutes to spare, send everyone a text and you might get lucky and get a reply. Planning is where things go wrong. If you don't plan then nothing can go wrong and everything runs smoothly no matter what - this is my view on life. Look at the camping trip - it went from spontaneous to planned and that in itself was enough to put off Hally and Little Phil. I hope that camping is as awesome as it always seemed to be and I hope Andy will, one day, get another normal car so we can take more people next time, lol.

As a (what should be) final note, I just want to say that a big reason in behind writing these blogs again is to jump-start my spontaneous side again as I feel I've lost it in recent months what with all the serious stuff going on like money problems, pregnancies and all that. So for God's sake if anyone has even 5 minutes on their hands, just pick up that phone and look for my number because I will, once again, ALWAYS say 'yes' to doing something, anything just to make things that much more interesting and give me a reason to blog after work.

I wrote three blogs yesterday. The aim behind this is that in previous editions of my blog the aim was to just write a single blog daily, but nowadays I will blog at every given opportunity, because I know last time I wasn't too consistent and missed out some days. This way, I'll hopefully give out at least one portion of reading pleasure per day.

P.S. Midget, it helps to not skim things as reading only certain bits can put the blog out of context. I know some of you guys just love hearing the part where I talk about you, or just read enough to get the general idea of the blog then post, but often it takes what I'm saying out of context.

My blogs follow my train of thoughts more than anything - if I think it, I write it down; which is why the vast majority of my blogs go off on complete tangents and I end up on completely different subjects. However, there's all a point to that, because it helps you follow where my mind is going and, in turn, that in itself will teach you more about me than anything I can ever tell you in words.

The blogs help you get inside my mind. For example, I actually aimed to end this blog four paragraphs ago and this P.S. is in its 3rd paragraph, which should show, in itself, that planning things out doesn't really work nor does it always go with the flow which is why I never plan - I sketch. I make a rough idea of what should happen so it's easily editable for when the idea eventually changes.

I think I'll leave you all on a discussion that at least Phil, Juliet, Bullock and myself should be interested in: Newcastle? Staying up or going down? Poll is open until Sunday when the final games are played.