Brushing off the dust.

So much goes around in my head nowadays, but I just can't seem to put it down into words. I'm kind of missing the days of creativity when I'd be able to sit down in front of the screen and type about pretty much nothing for several hours. My mind now just seems to draw blank every time I feel the urge or even just a need to write everything down - it's just a little frustrating.

I mean so much has gone on sine my last blog which was written in, what, May? Five whole months and so much has changed about my life; a lot of it I feel as being negative, but there are positives in there, too. Obviously one negative is the fact I'm unattached now - for those who know the situation, yes, I know some of you may feel like I've shat on my own doorstep then proceeded to complain about the shat on my doorstep, but that is a complex issue which, on the most part, should be swept under the carpet by now - afterall, it's been well over three months.

If we take this on a slight tangent, then I could talk about relationships in general, i.e. friendships, love and family. The family part isn't really playing any large problematic role in my life, it's one of the few situations at the minute where I feel somewhat comfortable being in. Yeah, I'm 22 next month and I'm still living with my parents having never moved out, but so what? I do get the odd glimpse into living life on my own and I love it and I obviously want to get there quite quickly, but it's quite low on my priorities because of my other situation: the love life.

I get it, I'm hardly the most attractive person in the world. I'm rather short, I'm going bald before my time, I'm fat and I'm still very socially awkward - none of these are really selling points for a potential girlfriend. As wor Phil tells me "Fenwick, you can talk your way into someone's pants" which, being quite crude, isn't far off the truth. Given the fact I'm hardly the first choice for anyone, I've had to excel in other areas... um... quite what those areas are I'm still not sure, but despite my social awkwardness I know I can be fantastic with people one-on-one and that's where I shine - that's also how I tend to land girlfriends, being able to spend time with someone in my own space.

This is one massive reason I loved my car. My car, as has been said to me on a number of occasions, was an extention of my personality. My cars were never glamorous, never in briliant shape and never really good at anything - much like their owner - but everyone knows when I get behind the wheel of a car I'm instantly one of the happiest people alive. Hell, even the vans I drive at work aren't that bad and whenever I'm out on the roads with my music blaring and the windows down, everyone knows I'm happy.

I also feel it's one of the contributing factors to my lowered mood over the past few months - that and the ex. It's not so much the freedom of being able to go where I like or even the convenience of not having to use public transport, but more like I've lost someone close to me. It's not such a painful loss that I cry in the corner of my room every night, I mean I do still get to drive for a living which helps numb the pain, I suppose. I feel like once I get another car, I'll be able to enjoy myself in the capacity that I once did, because right now I feel like people are looking at me thinking I'm not good crack, I'm not fun to be around and in some cases just a little bit creepy.

I can tell I'm nowhere near as popular at the minute as I have been in the recent past. I've burned bridges with so many people and damaged relationships beyond repair - or at least close to - other relationships I choose to end, I choose to cut off from completely because it's a little too painful to see someone who I once considered a tremendous friend getting on with life whilst I'm sat here in pretty much the same situation as before.

Other friendships, though... I... I couldn't even consider friendships. These people are the ones who are really getting up my back right now. I know I complain like hell about 'pub mates' the kind of people who are more than happy to be all friendly and talkative to you when they've had a few drinks down them, but act like you don't exist when sober, however, there are certain people emerging to be far more annoying than that. I shall explain:

I hate people who lie. I loathe them, because they create nothing but a lack of trust and, to be honest, are a complete waste of space. I'll let you know the type - they're similar to the 'pub mates', they're rather two-faced but are too up themselves to admit it. I've had people pull me aside wondering why I'm acting negatively towards them wondering why they feel like I don't like them or want to be their friend. Well that's because I try to be friends. For those of you whose phone numbers I have, I only text the people I want to talk to or have something to say to - I get in touch because I want to communicate and I want to be friends and I might want to go places and do stuff; hence why you receive texts from me. Those people who claim to be my friends are the ones I try to get in touch with, those who are my friends are the ones I actually hang out with.

I know, everyone is busy, everyone has their own lives and whatnot, but whatever happened to using your brain? I'm quite open in a sense that I'm not afraid to be stuck in a room with a bunch of strangers who I might have to make conversation with. I'm quite happy meeting new people and I'm easy to get along with, so if I haven't seen you in a while and you're off out to a public event (preferably not the pub) then why not think "oh, haven't seen Fenwick in a while, I think I'll see if he wants to come along"?

This is why I hang out with little Phil more than anyone else - he's not afraid to invite me along and introduce me to a whole bunch of his uni friends because he knows I'll enjoy it and it'll be fantastic crack. Whereas other people: "Oh, sorry, can't do anything, I'm off out down the beach with a bunch of people" ...so... why not invite me along and introduce me instead of me being sat here doing nothing? I'm sure I'd enjoy it and it'll be a hell of a lot more interesting for everyone involved.

People who talk to me via text constantly, yet never hang out. I never get that one. There are some people I can text all day to, yet they always seem too busy? Sorry, that would make more sense the other way around: there are some people who are always too busy, yet I can text them all day... sounds more fitting, because it's true. I ask some people if they want to do stuff, they say they're busy, yet proceed to talk to me for the rest of the day? Can't be that busy, can you?

People who make arrangements with you then cancel them. Seems harmless, but I call bluffs on so many occasions. That winds me up more because I could knock back genuine arrangements to see this person, yet about ten minutes before I'm due to set off they'll tell me they can't make it? I could laugh my ass off if you're one of these, because it's not just you, there are more. I find it quite amusing sometimes because I'll arrange to do something with said people and I'll deliberately overlap my arrangements, which is a win-win situation... I make the arrangements expecting both to cancel, if one cancels, I go out with the other, if both of them cancel, it doesn't matter, but if neither of them cancel then I can take my pick and then cancel on the other out of spite ^_^

I'm rather cynical, aren't I? I hate people, I really do. I hate everyone right now for one reason or another. What's unusual, though, is that I'm hating people for such trivial things. I look at the past few paragraphs I've written and think "You know what - it's you. It's not everyone else being a twat, it's you". I totally agree. I know of very few people who actually care to hang out with me right now and, yes, it's because I'm such a massive dick to everyone. God forbid I actually fancy a change of scenery for once.

It's my birthday soon and I can already see how it's going to be: work in the morning, followed by sitting on my ass eating crap and fiddling with myself half naked in front of the computer complaining about how boring everyone is. Pretty much like today, then. I couldn't care. I know who my mates are and they're the ones that dragged me out on Friday, the one who decides to catch-up over a game of snooker, the one who travels half way across tyneside just to chill, and the one that's having the time of his life in Middlesbrough - they're the ones I'm considering my closest friends right now and they're hardly as close as I'd like them to be, any of them.

Getting back briefly to the love life - I'm not trying, I'm not going for it, I'm not even attempting to. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people who have perked my ears up and have made me take notice, but I'm shying away from this for as long as my mind can handle it - interestingly enough, the mind that's between my ears and not between my balls... I don't even care for sex - I don't need it. Hell, I barely even enjoy it when outside of a relationship. Yeah, some people know my magic number and some seem to think I'd do almost anything to get anyone into bed, but there was a point on Friday night, about the time when I had a complete stranger rubbing her crotch on me and her breasts about an inch from my face when I realised I really, really don't need to be chasing tail at all right now... that actually made me feel better and I think the guys notied I perked up after that, though probably not for the reasons they thought.

I'm still not really on the road to recovery. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was a couple of months ago. I was really quite wound up with everything. My mind was going to dark places and it even distracted me when I was at work - even my manager sort of picked up on it and encouraged my weekend voyage to Middlesbrough to chill the hell out away from all the stresses that have plagued me recently. Like I said, I'm still not recovered, that probably won't come until I've got a new car, a new job, a better social life and possibly a new girlfriend - it's a painfully slow process, though.

Speaking of jobs. At this present moment I'm well on the way to getting my HGV license. I did my medical a few weeks ago, no problems there. I got my provisional through the post a few days ago and I'm studying for my theory. Admittedly, I'm probably not studying half as hard as I should be, but I'll get there. Aiming to have the whole thing done before the end of the year - setting a decent target for myself. So far spent about £2,400 and got another £300 to spend, it's not the cheapest option, I know, but it's progress - a hell of a lot more progress over the past three months than any time over the past two years, I know that much.

I''ve been wanting a car for a little while now. I'm probably not going to get one til the summer at least, because it's really quite low priority unless my situation changes. However, I'm even struggling to find any car I'm trully interested in owning. Yes, it's more than likely going to be really old, or a Merc, or some kind of saloon or a roadster, or something - I really don't know. Suggestions are welcome on that part - they're not allowed to be new (usually 10 years old) or common.

It's difficult to keep my train of thought when writing this much. There's just so many things going on that my mind goes off on its own little adventures and then I forget what I'm talking about and it all ends up rather confusing, but I'm getting pretty tired of my job. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong, but it's at the point now where I've got over a year's experience in it now and, along with my new licenses, I'm going to be looking to move on quite quickly - a step up on the career ladder, I suppose. I've been working towards this for the past few years now and I'm quite happy it's finally getting to the point where I can start doing something about it.

The biggest problem for me is pay. I want to earn a consistant pay and I'd prefer it if I earned weekly, because I remember getting paid every Friday when I worked for the gas and electric companies and it was such a nice feeling having to wait no more than 7 days for your next batch of money. Took a massive pay-cut to work where I am now, but I'm hoping to at least double what I'm on now when I leave, which will do wonders for me in my attempt to get what I want money-wise. Priorities are in the order they appear along with approximate budgets:

Desktop computer £1000
Music equipment £700
Laptop: £500
Games/Consoles: £500
Clothes: £500
Car: £500 / £5,000

I think that's roughly what I want in the order I want it - the new computers and music stuff definately. Speaking of music, I want to do a bit more karaoke. Well, I don't, but I do... I mean, I want to be up on stage and I don't mind singing other people's songs, but I want to be doing a little something that draws all the attention to me for once. I do have the occasional sing song on the microphone in certain pubs on the odd occasion, but I feel I could be doing so much more with it. I really don't know what people think of my singing, I know there's a varied opinion, but there's also a big difference between hearing me singing in the car and singing on stage.

The reason I'm at a loss with people's opinions is because when I get behind the microphone I tend to attract a positive response when I'm done. I have no idea if that's just me or if it's something I'm genuinely catching onto, but sometimes I feel like I get a little more out of the crowd than others do. It might just be me, because I don't really concentrate on people's cheering and clapping when it's not me performing, I just sit there and make up my own mind about their singing within about ten seconds of hearing them.

Anyway, getting away from the point there. I've wanted to be in bands in the past, but either been rejected (because, of course, I can't actually sing) or I've ended up with a bunch of people with no ambitions and no sense of purpose. So I decided a while back I'd save up for something like Cubase or Mixcraft, getting a simple keyboard and microphone (decent quality microphone, of course) and making my own stuff, then going around the local bars (more than likely Annie's and Trocs) and getting my own little gigs.

I might be shit, I might end up doing it for one night, realising I'm shit, then packing it in. On the other hand, people might like me - people have told me before I have a massive presence on stage - and continue to do the odd gig in local pubs. I'd be quite happy doing that, I'm not aiming for fame, but just to do something I love in front of a bunch of people and hope they enjoy themselves.

One thing I would love to do, though, is create a whole bunch of songs with a variety of other bands. I'm not talking of joining the bands, but more like just doing one-off songs with a load of them. I've also got loads of ideas for live shows that I'd love to perform at larger venues. By larger I mean like the Carling Academy or even the Metro Radio Arena if I somehow managed to get such a following to fill such a place. Of course, this is all a dream, but you never know...

I think I'll wrap this up here. Remember to leave your thoughts and feelings - don't be shy, I've taken worse abuse before ^_^

Oh...

Didn't realise it had been a whole two weeks since my last installment. I guess my life is much busier than I had originally thought...

I've just been really off lately. Apparently people have picked up on it. I guess I feel a little frustrated at the moment as I'm used to life having a bit of a fast pace; things used to be going on constantly and there was always something to occupy my mind. I feel really good when I sense that my life is rolling in a certain direction.

That's where the problem begins. I feel like this rolling ball of life has been slowed to an almost complete halt and it's getting me down. Over the past few months I've done quite a bit: we've had Christmas, and Easter. I've had people come into my life I'm greatful for and some who I wish would just fuck off. I've made progress in pursuing my career and slight progress pursuing some money.

It's all stopped dead, though. You know when you get that feeling that something isn't quite finished? It plays on your mind and you have to finish it? That's how I'm feeling with almost every aspect of my life right now. I don't feel I'm getting enough money, I don't feel I'm progressing quickly enough in my chosen career path, I don't feel like I'm ever going to move out, I don't feel like I'm ever going to make it off this God-forsaken island and see a country that isn't in the UK! I don't feel like I'm connecting with anyone right now.

I don't feel like there are many people out there who are sharing my ambitions. I'm not saying people don't have their ambitions. A lot of people at the minute seem to want to head towards the nuclear family and that's great, I'm happy for them, but that's not for me - not yet, at least.

On the other end of the scale you have the 'pub mates' who you only ever really see within the confines of a bar, next to a glass of alcohol. These are the people who I have fought so hard to not become, yet, with every passing week I find myself more and more inclined to spend my weekends amongst the same bunch of rambling idiots downing the nearest bottle of poison.

I guess that's what is getting me down most recently. I'm normally the one wanting to go out and do things that doesn't require a bar and a bartender, but I really can't bother myself enough to get up and do something worthwhile and I'm in a downward spiral because of it. Hell, even being invited out recently I haven't really wanted to come out and - unless there has been alcohol involved - I've shot off home at the earliest convenience.

My relationships with everyone seems to be put on hold right now. I don't feel like seeing anyone, being around anyone for no reason in particular other than the fact there's nothing going on... I have nothing to talk about so when I'm out I'm not good company and when I do go out and do have a drink I end up being a complete dickhead that nobody wants to associate with.

I'm just praying for the next chapter to get underway promptly as I'm sick of being left on this eternal cliffhanger. When will I advance in my job? How long is my next lot of money going to last? Who's going to be my friend tomorrow? Who's not?

I need some words. Be it words of encouragement, words of wisdom or words of constructive criticism. I need guidance onto the next big part of my life because this limbo is torturous on my general happiness.

We'll start off with something simple.

So, here we go again. Another attempt at rebooting my blogs. It's been almost a full year since my last blog (for those who don't recall or even know why I stopped, just read the last one and just imagine what may have come of it). The consequences of my last blog were actually enough to stop me writing completely. There was a time when I'd sit on Word and make up really daft and unusual stories just because I was bored and, of course, there were the blogs as well.

A year on and so much has changed, except for the name of my employers, really. 21 now, 'the rest of my life' is gearing up and just biting the clutch, ready to propel me towards the future. It's all a tad boring, though. I mean, yes, I know I'm (apparently) saving up a few pennies to get me on my way to further my career, but that just seems to be travelling a little slow right now.

For those who don't know; my aim is to be a nice, warm, friendly lorry driver! This, of course, means obtaining the licenses. Now, of course, I can do it my own way, saving up and paying for lessons and tests myself. However, being employed at ASDA, I wasn't sure whether or not I could get all that paid for - so I went to investigate in my usual procrastinative manner.

Skip forward a few weeks and I eventually find out that they probably will put me through my licenses in exchange for a minimum 1-year term at the company. Fair enough. I've been here 2 years already, I'm sure I can handle 1 more. At the same time, I'm gaining experience at a young age; brilliant move for trying to better myself.

Speaking of bettering myself: the car! Big, big talk about me getting rid of that and my enternal torture as I try to fight through the next few months with only a pedal bike and my own body strength. Big laughs for all as you all know how fat and lazy I am. That last bit, by the way, is the bit I'm trying to be rid of.

It's the little things that are making the difference. It's the bits and bobs I'm changing that are making the difference between me being a fat ass and a super fat ass. Getting rid of the car is one of these moves. The main reason behind the move is money, yes, but I'm not the kind of person to do things purely for one reason and one reason alone. I recognise that if I don't make changes I'll end up being one of these unfortunate bastards who'll be having a heart-attack by the time he reaches 40. I don't want to be fearing for my life at that age; I want to, hopefully, double that figure at least (though if I start smelling horribly like piss and my hands shake like I have Parkinson's; please shoot me).

One thing in particular that I'm trying to achieve with this 'revivial' (I think this is the 3rd time I've tried restarting my blogs again) is to try and not piss anyone off, if that's possible. I know I get on the wrong side of people more often than not with what I say when my mind is allowed to move with its own flow, but it's hard trying to express certain truths without harming relations.

My mind tells me to try and knock down the walls people build around themselves, reveal the secrets that people are keeping from each other because they're the kind of things that harm people more than letting your feelings known.

Getting back to things that have changed. Career? Check. Health? Check... Relationships?

A lot of relationships come and go, and a lot have came and gone recently. Bridges have been burned, people have left, others have been let in. Some people don't fare well in times of change and it shows. A lot of people have grown apart, seperated by whatever is happening in their own lives. We have Jeff who lives in his own place with his fiancé, Danielle (congrats on that, by the way). We have Phil and Mary who are also engaged. We also have Little Phil who resides in Middlesbrough now, Craig who was in Glasgow, but I think he's back for a while now. We have Clarky who is out doing his own thing; Hally and Juliet who are always out doing their own thing, and then you're left with me.

...and what am I doing?

It doesn't seem like much. If we compare to the likes of Clarky and Little Phil. Clarky has the lifestyle in the army; he goes away for a while, earns bucket loads of money and then, quite rightly, has time enough to spend the lot when he gets back. Typical 'work hard, play hard' life of a soldier. Little Phil, on the other hand, chose a quick escape to do a course he's keenly interested in; opting to venture out to another city in the process. Two contrasting paths with similar outcome. Both do something they enjoy with the added benefit of being able to do, pretty much, as they please.

My path is much slower. I was very, very lucky to land the job driving the vans and, thankfully, it is key experience for what I plan to do. I'm thankful for the fact it has gotten me out from the dreaded night shift and dragging myself from being one of the worst colleagues in the store, to one of the better ones.

Since my move to Home Shopping I've been able to prove myself in my work. I know I have my flaws when working, but so does everyone. Examples of how I've changed? Well for one I'm punctual again. On the night shift I was constantly late... 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes late. Nowadays, I'm always 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes early!

I'll admit now that on nights I was horrifically slow! Partially deliberate, partially not. Firstly, I'm not exactly fit, so I preferred a 'lightweight' aisle - not pet food where I'm chucking around 20kg bags of biscuits. Also; some might discredit the effect of music on a person's mood, but the evidence is there. I used to hate coming in to night shift having to put up with horrible, horrible 'ASDA FM' playing nothing but chart crap! I used to come in and switch off, because I knew if I had to listen to any more of that shit I'd just flip. Since moving onto Home Shopping, though, and I have my own collection of CDs to listen to, I feel much happier!

That's a key point: happiness. I see a lot of guys hitting their middle ages being nothing but bitter and moaning constantly about the stupidest little things. I look at them and think 'is this happiness?'. You earn a decent wage, you have a nice house, a nice car and a nuclear family, but all I'm seeing is hatred and anger. I don't want to be like that. So I look at what they all have in common; their job. Most of them hate their jobs, which is why I want to make a point about getting into a line of work that I can enjoy and everyone knows I love nothing more than a good old drive about!

I'd rather earn a much lower wage in return for doing something I love rather than earning loads and hating what I do. Being a lorry driver can also lend itself to a lot of freedoms. If I play my cards right and get a wage from the right companies I could, eventually, go freelance, taking jobs from anyone and everyone - earning at my own pace, going to different places on a regular basis. Sure the wage won't always be constant, but I can maintain my finances well when I want.

Speaking of finances, I finally got rid of all my debts this month. Got paid just over 3 weeks ago. The holiday pay came in very handily indeed as I managed to pay off everything that I owe everyone - about £300's worth in one month! Obviously money has been quite tight since then, but I'm happy in the knowledge that I'm no longer in debt to anyone and every penny I earn from now on can be spent/saved as and how I see fit.

I don't want to drone on for too long. This being my 'first' blog I know I have a whole host of things to talk about, but I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead tonight, because I don't think I've insulted anyone so far and I want to maintain that!

So, as a last note; if you've read this far, then by all means leave your comments. You don't even have to sign up to do so! I look forward to getting into the swing of this again.