Didn't realise it had been a whole two weeks since my last installment. I guess my life is much busier than I had originally thought...
I've just been really off lately. Apparently people have picked up on it. I guess I feel a little frustrated at the moment as I'm used to life having a bit of a fast pace; things used to be going on constantly and there was always something to occupy my mind. I feel really good when I sense that my life is rolling in a certain direction.
That's where the problem begins. I feel like this rolling ball of life has been slowed to an almost complete halt and it's getting me down. Over the past few months I've done quite a bit: we've had Christmas, and Easter. I've had people come into my life I'm greatful for and some who I wish would just fuck off. I've made progress in pursuing my career and slight progress pursuing some money.
It's all stopped dead, though. You know when you get that feeling that something isn't quite finished? It plays on your mind and you have to finish it? That's how I'm feeling with almost every aspect of my life right now. I don't feel I'm getting enough money, I don't feel I'm progressing quickly enough in my chosen career path, I don't feel like I'm ever going to move out, I don't feel like I'm ever going to make it off this God-forsaken island and see a country that isn't in the UK! I don't feel like I'm connecting with anyone right now.
I don't feel like there are many people out there who are sharing my ambitions. I'm not saying people don't have their ambitions. A lot of people at the minute seem to want to head towards the nuclear family and that's great, I'm happy for them, but that's not for me - not yet, at least.
On the other end of the scale you have the 'pub mates' who you only ever really see within the confines of a bar, next to a glass of alcohol. These are the people who I have fought so hard to not become, yet, with every passing week I find myself more and more inclined to spend my weekends amongst the same bunch of rambling idiots downing the nearest bottle of poison.
I guess that's what is getting me down most recently. I'm normally the one wanting to go out and do things that doesn't require a bar and a bartender, but I really can't bother myself enough to get up and do something worthwhile and I'm in a downward spiral because of it. Hell, even being invited out recently I haven't really wanted to come out and - unless there has been alcohol involved - I've shot off home at the earliest convenience.
My relationships with everyone seems to be put on hold right now. I don't feel like seeing anyone, being around anyone for no reason in particular other than the fact there's nothing going on... I have nothing to talk about so when I'm out I'm not good company and when I do go out and do have a drink I end up being a complete dickhead that nobody wants to associate with.
I'm just praying for the next chapter to get underway promptly as I'm sick of being left on this eternal cliffhanger. When will I advance in my job? How long is my next lot of money going to last? Who's going to be my friend tomorrow? Who's not?
I need some words. Be it words of encouragement, words of wisdom or words of constructive criticism. I need guidance onto the next big part of my life because this limbo is torturous on my general happiness.
Tuesday, 18 May 2010
Monday, 3 May 2010
We'll start off with something simple.
So, here we go again. Another attempt at rebooting my blogs. It's been almost a full year since my last blog (for those who don't recall or even know why I stopped, just read the last one and just imagine what may have come of it). The consequences of my last blog were actually enough to stop me writing completely. There was a time when I'd sit on Word and make up really daft and unusual stories just because I was bored and, of course, there were the blogs as well.
A year on and so much has changed, except for the name of my employers, really. 21 now, 'the rest of my life' is gearing up and just biting the clutch, ready to propel me towards the future. It's all a tad boring, though. I mean, yes, I know I'm (apparently) saving up a few pennies to get me on my way to further my career, but that just seems to be travelling a little slow right now.
For those who don't know; my aim is to be a nice, warm, friendly lorry driver! This, of course, means obtaining the licenses. Now, of course, I can do it my own way, saving up and paying for lessons and tests myself. However, being employed at ASDA, I wasn't sure whether or not I could get all that paid for - so I went to investigate in my usual procrastinative manner.
Skip forward a few weeks and I eventually find out that they probably will put me through my licenses in exchange for a minimum 1-year term at the company. Fair enough. I've been here 2 years already, I'm sure I can handle 1 more. At the same time, I'm gaining experience at a young age; brilliant move for trying to better myself.
Speaking of bettering myself: the car! Big, big talk about me getting rid of that and my enternal torture as I try to fight through the next few months with only a pedal bike and my own body strength. Big laughs for all as you all know how fat and lazy I am. That last bit, by the way, is the bit I'm trying to be rid of.
It's the little things that are making the difference. It's the bits and bobs I'm changing that are making the difference between me being a fat ass and a super fat ass. Getting rid of the car is one of these moves. The main reason behind the move is money, yes, but I'm not the kind of person to do things purely for one reason and one reason alone. I recognise that if I don't make changes I'll end up being one of these unfortunate bastards who'll be having a heart-attack by the time he reaches 40. I don't want to be fearing for my life at that age; I want to, hopefully, double that figure at least (though if I start smelling horribly like piss and my hands shake like I have Parkinson's; please shoot me).
One thing in particular that I'm trying to achieve with this 'revivial' (I think this is the 3rd time I've tried restarting my blogs again) is to try and not piss anyone off, if that's possible. I know I get on the wrong side of people more often than not with what I say when my mind is allowed to move with its own flow, but it's hard trying to express certain truths without harming relations.
My mind tells me to try and knock down the walls people build around themselves, reveal the secrets that people are keeping from each other because they're the kind of things that harm people more than letting your feelings known.
Getting back to things that have changed. Career? Check. Health? Check... Relationships?
A lot of relationships come and go, and a lot have came and gone recently. Bridges have been burned, people have left, others have been let in. Some people don't fare well in times of change and it shows. A lot of people have grown apart, seperated by whatever is happening in their own lives. We have Jeff who lives in his own place with his fiancé, Danielle (congrats on that, by the way). We have Phil and Mary who are also engaged. We also have Little Phil who resides in Middlesbrough now, Craig who was in Glasgow, but I think he's back for a while now. We have Clarky who is out doing his own thing; Hally and Juliet who are always out doing their own thing, and then you're left with me.
...and what am I doing?
It doesn't seem like much. If we compare to the likes of Clarky and Little Phil. Clarky has the lifestyle in the army; he goes away for a while, earns bucket loads of money and then, quite rightly, has time enough to spend the lot when he gets back. Typical 'work hard, play hard' life of a soldier. Little Phil, on the other hand, chose a quick escape to do a course he's keenly interested in; opting to venture out to another city in the process. Two contrasting paths with similar outcome. Both do something they enjoy with the added benefit of being able to do, pretty much, as they please.
My path is much slower. I was very, very lucky to land the job driving the vans and, thankfully, it is key experience for what I plan to do. I'm thankful for the fact it has gotten me out from the dreaded night shift and dragging myself from being one of the worst colleagues in the store, to one of the better ones.
Since my move to Home Shopping I've been able to prove myself in my work. I know I have my flaws when working, but so does everyone. Examples of how I've changed? Well for one I'm punctual again. On the night shift I was constantly late... 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes late. Nowadays, I'm always 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes early!
I'll admit now that on nights I was horrifically slow! Partially deliberate, partially not. Firstly, I'm not exactly fit, so I preferred a 'lightweight' aisle - not pet food where I'm chucking around 20kg bags of biscuits. Also; some might discredit the effect of music on a person's mood, but the evidence is there. I used to hate coming in to night shift having to put up with horrible, horrible 'ASDA FM' playing nothing but chart crap! I used to come in and switch off, because I knew if I had to listen to any more of that shit I'd just flip. Since moving onto Home Shopping, though, and I have my own collection of CDs to listen to, I feel much happier!
That's a key point: happiness. I see a lot of guys hitting their middle ages being nothing but bitter and moaning constantly about the stupidest little things. I look at them and think 'is this happiness?'. You earn a decent wage, you have a nice house, a nice car and a nuclear family, but all I'm seeing is hatred and anger. I don't want to be like that. So I look at what they all have in common; their job. Most of them hate their jobs, which is why I want to make a point about getting into a line of work that I can enjoy and everyone knows I love nothing more than a good old drive about!
I'd rather earn a much lower wage in return for doing something I love rather than earning loads and hating what I do. Being a lorry driver can also lend itself to a lot of freedoms. If I play my cards right and get a wage from the right companies I could, eventually, go freelance, taking jobs from anyone and everyone - earning at my own pace, going to different places on a regular basis. Sure the wage won't always be constant, but I can maintain my finances well when I want.
Speaking of finances, I finally got rid of all my debts this month. Got paid just over 3 weeks ago. The holiday pay came in very handily indeed as I managed to pay off everything that I owe everyone - about £300's worth in one month! Obviously money has been quite tight since then, but I'm happy in the knowledge that I'm no longer in debt to anyone and every penny I earn from now on can be spent/saved as and how I see fit.
I don't want to drone on for too long. This being my 'first' blog I know I have a whole host of things to talk about, but I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead tonight, because I don't think I've insulted anyone so far and I want to maintain that!
So, as a last note; if you've read this far, then by all means leave your comments. You don't even have to sign up to do so! I look forward to getting into the swing of this again.
A year on and so much has changed, except for the name of my employers, really. 21 now, 'the rest of my life' is gearing up and just biting the clutch, ready to propel me towards the future. It's all a tad boring, though. I mean, yes, I know I'm (apparently) saving up a few pennies to get me on my way to further my career, but that just seems to be travelling a little slow right now.
For those who don't know; my aim is to be a nice, warm, friendly lorry driver! This, of course, means obtaining the licenses. Now, of course, I can do it my own way, saving up and paying for lessons and tests myself. However, being employed at ASDA, I wasn't sure whether or not I could get all that paid for - so I went to investigate in my usual procrastinative manner.
Skip forward a few weeks and I eventually find out that they probably will put me through my licenses in exchange for a minimum 1-year term at the company. Fair enough. I've been here 2 years already, I'm sure I can handle 1 more. At the same time, I'm gaining experience at a young age; brilliant move for trying to better myself.
Speaking of bettering myself: the car! Big, big talk about me getting rid of that and my enternal torture as I try to fight through the next few months with only a pedal bike and my own body strength. Big laughs for all as you all know how fat and lazy I am. That last bit, by the way, is the bit I'm trying to be rid of.
It's the little things that are making the difference. It's the bits and bobs I'm changing that are making the difference between me being a fat ass and a super fat ass. Getting rid of the car is one of these moves. The main reason behind the move is money, yes, but I'm not the kind of person to do things purely for one reason and one reason alone. I recognise that if I don't make changes I'll end up being one of these unfortunate bastards who'll be having a heart-attack by the time he reaches 40. I don't want to be fearing for my life at that age; I want to, hopefully, double that figure at least (though if I start smelling horribly like piss and my hands shake like I have Parkinson's; please shoot me).
One thing in particular that I'm trying to achieve with this 'revivial' (I think this is the 3rd time I've tried restarting my blogs again) is to try and not piss anyone off, if that's possible. I know I get on the wrong side of people more often than not with what I say when my mind is allowed to move with its own flow, but it's hard trying to express certain truths without harming relations.
My mind tells me to try and knock down the walls people build around themselves, reveal the secrets that people are keeping from each other because they're the kind of things that harm people more than letting your feelings known.
Getting back to things that have changed. Career? Check. Health? Check... Relationships?
A lot of relationships come and go, and a lot have came and gone recently. Bridges have been burned, people have left, others have been let in. Some people don't fare well in times of change and it shows. A lot of people have grown apart, seperated by whatever is happening in their own lives. We have Jeff who lives in his own place with his fiancé, Danielle (congrats on that, by the way). We have Phil and Mary who are also engaged. We also have Little Phil who resides in Middlesbrough now, Craig who was in Glasgow, but I think he's back for a while now. We have Clarky who is out doing his own thing; Hally and Juliet who are always out doing their own thing, and then you're left with me.
...and what am I doing?
It doesn't seem like much. If we compare to the likes of Clarky and Little Phil. Clarky has the lifestyle in the army; he goes away for a while, earns bucket loads of money and then, quite rightly, has time enough to spend the lot when he gets back. Typical 'work hard, play hard' life of a soldier. Little Phil, on the other hand, chose a quick escape to do a course he's keenly interested in; opting to venture out to another city in the process. Two contrasting paths with similar outcome. Both do something they enjoy with the added benefit of being able to do, pretty much, as they please.
My path is much slower. I was very, very lucky to land the job driving the vans and, thankfully, it is key experience for what I plan to do. I'm thankful for the fact it has gotten me out from the dreaded night shift and dragging myself from being one of the worst colleagues in the store, to one of the better ones.
Since my move to Home Shopping I've been able to prove myself in my work. I know I have my flaws when working, but so does everyone. Examples of how I've changed? Well for one I'm punctual again. On the night shift I was constantly late... 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes late. Nowadays, I'm always 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes early!
I'll admit now that on nights I was horrifically slow! Partially deliberate, partially not. Firstly, I'm not exactly fit, so I preferred a 'lightweight' aisle - not pet food where I'm chucking around 20kg bags of biscuits. Also; some might discredit the effect of music on a person's mood, but the evidence is there. I used to hate coming in to night shift having to put up with horrible, horrible 'ASDA FM' playing nothing but chart crap! I used to come in and switch off, because I knew if I had to listen to any more of that shit I'd just flip. Since moving onto Home Shopping, though, and I have my own collection of CDs to listen to, I feel much happier!
That's a key point: happiness. I see a lot of guys hitting their middle ages being nothing but bitter and moaning constantly about the stupidest little things. I look at them and think 'is this happiness?'. You earn a decent wage, you have a nice house, a nice car and a nuclear family, but all I'm seeing is hatred and anger. I don't want to be like that. So I look at what they all have in common; their job. Most of them hate their jobs, which is why I want to make a point about getting into a line of work that I can enjoy and everyone knows I love nothing more than a good old drive about!
I'd rather earn a much lower wage in return for doing something I love rather than earning loads and hating what I do. Being a lorry driver can also lend itself to a lot of freedoms. If I play my cards right and get a wage from the right companies I could, eventually, go freelance, taking jobs from anyone and everyone - earning at my own pace, going to different places on a regular basis. Sure the wage won't always be constant, but I can maintain my finances well when I want.
Speaking of finances, I finally got rid of all my debts this month. Got paid just over 3 weeks ago. The holiday pay came in very handily indeed as I managed to pay off everything that I owe everyone - about £300's worth in one month! Obviously money has been quite tight since then, but I'm happy in the knowledge that I'm no longer in debt to anyone and every penny I earn from now on can be spent/saved as and how I see fit.
I don't want to drone on for too long. This being my 'first' blog I know I have a whole host of things to talk about, but I think I'm going to quit while I'm ahead tonight, because I don't think I've insulted anyone so far and I want to maintain that!
So, as a last note; if you've read this far, then by all means leave your comments. You don't even have to sign up to do so! I look forward to getting into the swing of this again.
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