Title should be enough for people uninterested to not read this one, but work seriously pissed me off today.
At the end of my last shift (Monday, I believe) my manager asked me what shifts I could do this week - I said "I'll do half a shift on Wednesday". Fair enough. So I planned my week around that.
I got up at 6am Wednesday morning, a bit early, but I didn't want to go back to sleep as I was taking her to the farm to get Abbadon's (her horse's) feet cleaned/trimmed/whatever. So I stayed up. The day went by as any normal day and I text everyone nice and early for a game of footie, to which I got a few replies. Good.
It took us a good fucking few hours to get sorted, but no worries. We went to a football pitch around the corner from Big Phil's and had a good kick-about in the rain. Towards the end after playing heads and vols I decided to do a few kick-ups. Bad idea. The ball got away from me so I stretched out for it with my right foot and my left knee just crumbled below me.
It's an injury I've had since my Junior school days. Basically, everybody's legs bend backwards, well sometimes my knee decides it likes to go the other way. This results in mass pain. It became tolerable in my later school years because I played that much and it happened that much that I'd end up limping around for about 5 monutes then it'd be fine. Unfortunately, I haven't played football since I left school, really, so when it happened this time, it happened bad.
I was a cripple on the fucking floor for a good few minutes, not moving from the spot due to the masses of pain. They all laughed at me as you'd expect. Other people might have been concerned, but whatever. I know I did here at least one "are you alright?". It's fucking painful, man. Anyway, I was back up in about 10 minutes, but I can still feel it now - a good 30+ hours and a long 12 hour sleep afterward.
Fast forward to the end, I took Moad home last, because he's furthest away. We sat and chatted for a bit then I went home realising it was a tad late. I came in, got changed, went out to work, went to clock in - 'shit, where's my card?' - I'd forgot my card, amongst most things.
My last shift consisted of me accompanying Bullock and Jeff to the Woody, so I brought my fleece as I don't like being seen wandering the streets in ASDA uniform. This is where I'd left my stuff; in my fleece. I thought 'ah well, stuff it' and went up to meet with my other colleagues before work started.
For those who don't work at ASDA, it basically goes: come in, swipe in, meet for a huddle, then work. Well during the huddle I'd informed my manager (Anne) that I'd forgot my card and she said she'd sort it out for me. Bearing that in mind, I knew I had to confirm with her there/then as and when I was going for breaks and when I was leaving. Anne 1, Anthony 0. It meant I couldn't leave without her permission, really.
This put me in a bad position. Firstly, I couldn't move very fast with my injured leg (which still hurts), and secondly, it meant I couldn't just go when I was finished. Needless to say I didn't just go when I was finished, hell no - and this is what pissed me off so much.
Due to my slowness, I hadn't finished my work by 2am, so I went off for a break at 1:30. It took me until 3:30 to finish half an aisle (that's how bad my knee was). I went to see her to see if I could go, but she just game me more work to do, claiming that she "helped me out loads of times" by letting me go early after shifts.
I told her I'd been up since 6am, I had to drive home (which, as we all know, isn't a good thing to do when you're tired), and I wanted to be up in the morning anyway so I could do stuff (get laptop fixed, return my flash memory drive, play footie etc.). She just fobbed off the request and at that point I'd pretty much abandoned the idea of getting to sleep at a decent time.
4:15am came and time for my second break. By this time I'd been up for a total of 22 hours. I was complaining like fuck to my colleagues about not being at home when Anne came into the cafeteria and shouted across to the whole room that the rota said my shift was 10pm-6am. I wasn't best pleased. I shouted back that I specifically told her: "...Wednesday - half shift..." fuck me, I even repeated it to her at the time to make sure she got it. She just turned around and said "well rota says 10 to 6" and fucked off before I could voice a reply.
Bullshit - total bullshit. She knew I'd been up for nearly a whole day, that I'd only put in for half a shift and, now, I was fucking exhausted - I was struggling to stay awake. I couldn't do anything, though, because I'd forgotten anything. I'd forgotten my card to swipe in/out so if I left before she told me then she could have said I hadn't came in at all as far as she was concerned so I wouldn't get paid. I was under her fucking thumb and she was being so fucking smug about it.
I pretty much refused to work after that, but I got stuck on an aisle with a couple of decent guys and I didn't want to piss them off by going on a stroll with an already bad knee, so I put as much effort in as I could considering how fatigued I was.
Come the end of the shift she was still taking the piss. She was on the pet food aisle, which I haven't touched since I got there even though it was pretty much the only one I did in the old store.
"Can I go now?"
"Hey, Anthony! Look! So-and-so-new-starter has been on here all night; hasn't he done a good job?"
"Suppose. Can I go now?" She continued to check the aisle and cleans up little bits here and there.
"He had loads to do tonight, too!"
"Yea, I'm sure. Can I go yet?" She walks out of the aisle and half way across the shop before turning around and saying:
"What are you still doing here? I told you, you can go" She turned away and I swear to God I was one more shitty comment away from smacking her in the face. 24 full hours without sleep or any kind of rest; a fucked up knee and a manager taking the fucking piss out of me - I Bull'd* (see bottom of post). Me being me, though, I stayed calm about it - I wasn't about to lose my job because my manager was taking the piss out of me.
Getting home I came in, dropped on my bed and instantly fell asleep where I lay for the next 12 hours. It's bullshit. She's taken my entire Thursday away from me. I woke up at 6pm, which pissed me off even more, because now EVERYTHING I'd planned had went out the fucking window. Everyone went out and did their thing, even Andy was off work, I could have invited people out to play football and everything, but because she decided to be a complete bitch I found an entire day gone. The only good thing about it is I'm going to get an extra £20+ at the end of the month - big fucking whoop, so worth losing a day of my life for. Night all.
* 'Bull'ing - personal term used to replace the word "rage". Named after Karl Bullock. "I raged" is now "I Bull'd". "LOL, Bully rage" - "LOL, Bully Bull".
Friday, 22 May 2009
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Quickie
I've been up and out nearly all day, this is the very, very short space in which I have some time to myself so this is just a short blog about the happenings.
Last night, in a way, was a blessing in disguise because it's opened up a little pathway that we can exploit. Bar the driving, Phil's idea of playing football actually came good as we played again today.
Basically, last night Phil text everyone asking if people wanted to come out for a drive. However, we ended up playing a spot of football beforehand. 4 vs 4 in the pitch black Temple Park! It was good, even after Jeff decided to run away for a fag.
This gave me the idea to get people out for what will turn out, hopefully, to be a regular kick-about. Given a good sized pitch and enough people, we could do this on quite a regular basis. Only real problems are: Bullock to Afghan, Jeff and Mo on their ships, Hally, Andy and Midget at work... which leaves big Phil and myself seeing as though little phil is pretty much hung up his boots on the idea of coming out with us anymore.
It'd be awesome to get everyone involved, because that would result in quite the large game. Me, Sarah, Phil, Phil, Andy, Bullock, Jeff, Mo, Dean (if Moad can drag him out), Midget, Vanessa, Hally, Juliet, Clarky, Ashby and Stephan. That's a good 8 vs 8, and even if the girls don't want to play and Dean doesn't accompany us, it's still a 6-a-side match.
Putting that unrealistic idea aside, we still have the matter of last night.
Awesome? The word doesn't do the night justice. It doesn't enter the scale of epicness (which, by the way, is not like the scale of rage - sorry). That night was just epic in ever sense of the word. Getting everyone together at Temple Park, having a kick-about then going for a drive was brilliant.
It's difficult to talk about it, because everyone was there and everyone knows what went on. Of course we left Temple Park and the original idea was to go to Penshaw Monument. IF that happened, we'd have driven there, sat around for a bit, left and went home. Thankfully, Hally had to go home because he's a dick.
It's just a shame this doesn't have smilies or I'd have had a friendly wink at the end of that last paragraph.
So, on our way to Hally's, Andy decides to be a dick, too, because his car is so much more powerful than our's so he's just boring. Anyway, he started acting the fool, so then I started acting the fool, so then everyone started acting the fool. Cue the usual "putting my left indicator on to turn right" trick that someone fell for once and nobody ever has ever again, along with the "I'm going to flash you with my high-beams to piss you off" trick.
We ended up on the roundabout near The Cock Inn (I think that's what it's called). Andy decides he wants to do circles, so Midget decides to, so Mo decides to, so I decide I want to but can't get on the roundabout that's only big enough to hold 3 cars. Some random in a Corsa comes towards the roundabout from one of the other streets so we decide to disperse in case he's a dick. Instead, we were greeted by a jolly motorist who could see the funny side about 3 cars driving in circles around a mini-roundabout; driving by laughing his head off at us.
So we get off the roundabout and get to Hally's street. Midget parks on the end, Phil is forced to stop on the road, I mount the kerb and drive between a set of bollards and a tree wide enough for my car + about 3 inches. We decide that we're off for a random drive and end up heading toward Heworth. Soon enough, though, everyone ends up down a one-way street with me at the back of the pack...I jam everyone in and we wait... For the next part of the blog when I get back home from work in *checks watch* 5 hours.
In a bit. Bye.
Last night, in a way, was a blessing in disguise because it's opened up a little pathway that we can exploit. Bar the driving, Phil's idea of playing football actually came good as we played again today.
Basically, last night Phil text everyone asking if people wanted to come out for a drive. However, we ended up playing a spot of football beforehand. 4 vs 4 in the pitch black Temple Park! It was good, even after Jeff decided to run away for a fag.
This gave me the idea to get people out for what will turn out, hopefully, to be a regular kick-about. Given a good sized pitch and enough people, we could do this on quite a regular basis. Only real problems are: Bullock to Afghan, Jeff and Mo on their ships, Hally, Andy and Midget at work... which leaves big Phil and myself seeing as though little phil is pretty much hung up his boots on the idea of coming out with us anymore.
It'd be awesome to get everyone involved, because that would result in quite the large game. Me, Sarah, Phil, Phil, Andy, Bullock, Jeff, Mo, Dean (if Moad can drag him out), Midget, Vanessa, Hally, Juliet, Clarky, Ashby and Stephan. That's a good 8 vs 8, and even if the girls don't want to play and Dean doesn't accompany us, it's still a 6-a-side match.
Putting that unrealistic idea aside, we still have the matter of last night.
Awesome? The word doesn't do the night justice. It doesn't enter the scale of epicness (which, by the way, is not like the scale of rage - sorry). That night was just epic in ever sense of the word. Getting everyone together at Temple Park, having a kick-about then going for a drive was brilliant.
It's difficult to talk about it, because everyone was there and everyone knows what went on. Of course we left Temple Park and the original idea was to go to Penshaw Monument. IF that happened, we'd have driven there, sat around for a bit, left and went home. Thankfully, Hally had to go home because he's a dick.
It's just a shame this doesn't have smilies or I'd have had a friendly wink at the end of that last paragraph.
So, on our way to Hally's, Andy decides to be a dick, too, because his car is so much more powerful than our's so he's just boring. Anyway, he started acting the fool, so then I started acting the fool, so then everyone started acting the fool. Cue the usual "putting my left indicator on to turn right" trick that someone fell for once and nobody ever has ever again, along with the "I'm going to flash you with my high-beams to piss you off" trick.
We ended up on the roundabout near The Cock Inn (I think that's what it's called). Andy decides he wants to do circles, so Midget decides to, so Mo decides to, so I decide I want to but can't get on the roundabout that's only big enough to hold 3 cars. Some random in a Corsa comes towards the roundabout from one of the other streets so we decide to disperse in case he's a dick. Instead, we were greeted by a jolly motorist who could see the funny side about 3 cars driving in circles around a mini-roundabout; driving by laughing his head off at us.
So we get off the roundabout and get to Hally's street. Midget parks on the end, Phil is forced to stop on the road, I mount the kerb and drive between a set of bollards and a tree wide enough for my car + about 3 inches. We decide that we're off for a random drive and end up heading toward Heworth. Soon enough, though, everyone ends up down a one-way street with me at the back of the pack...I jam everyone in and we wait... For the next part of the blog when I get back home from work in *checks watch* 5 hours.
In a bit. Bye.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Oh, well allow me to retort
Replying to the comments found in my first post, I figured it would be long enough to include in an entirely new blog.
So, in reply to Midget: I'm well aware of changes; we all go through them and we all see everyone else go through them and I'm not trying to 'revive the past' as you put it, but merely trying to show people that holding onto their youth is a good thing. We need to let our hair down every once in a while otherwise we end up missing the positives in life and seeing an endless ocean of negatviity.
I'm aware of responsibilities and anyone who believes I haven't already planned to take on such responsibilities is a fool. Yes, I live with my parents, I only have a part-time job etc. but where I am now doesn't represent where I'll be in 5 years time.
In 5 years time things will be massively different. Who's to say any of us will even be speaking to one another then? This is my next point. I look at my parents and see them with minus amounts of £££ in the bank, I see them forking out on needless puchases for the home and I used to see my dad's day run like clockwork.
This is a mould I don't want to be a part of and I will do my best to break, because I don't want to be where my parents are in 20 years time. I want to be somewhere different; somewhere where people still have fun!
It's all good taking care of responsibilities, but you can't let that run your life or you end up a boring old fart. I honestly see myself as one of those old guys who still goes out clubbing in his old age; not drinking himself into the grave. I see myself as someone who maybe single when he's 50, but enjoying life every which way he can. I value my friendly/fun-loving side more than anything, because I see a lot of people who grow old miserably and I refuse to be one of them.
This is the main reason behind me trying to drag out everyone's youth and playfulness, because it's hard to keep hold of and I can already see some of you guys losing it.
In reply to Phil: I actually find your first sentence rather disrespectful. You have little/no idea what's gone on in the past year with this bullshit and it's something I'd rather you didn't. I wouldn't want any of my mates going through what I did last year - I felt close to suicidal at times.
How many people do honestly know would abondon raising their own child without a fucking good reason? No, I don't know any, because I'm not one of them.
Using the TA as an excuse to build him up is pointless, too. I mean I think there was someone else in our group who did that for a while... uhm... let me think. Oh yea! It was me! I, who regrettably left after having to take on other responsibilities (wow, there's that word again!).
I got 2 jobs in very quick succession - I couldn't keep up the TA as planning my future put me into so much financial turmoil.
It starts like this:
I joined the TA as a tender 17 year old fresh out of college. It wasn't until after my 18th birthday that I'd decided what it was I wanted to do with my life - drive!
The licence came within 3 months of my 18th birthday, as did a horrific break-up with my ex, Bernice. Another few months down the line I would eventually buy a car, which would dictate my life for the next 2 years (so far).
I was 18 years into my life when I decided that I'd want to drive for a living and with the way the world is, that would give me about 7 years to prepare. We're currently 2 years into those 7.
Everyone else is getting ahead with jobs, college, uni and everything else in their lives, whilst I hang back from the pack, getting a steady part-time job (which I've held for an entire year now), and just generally maintining myself.
My life is now a waiting game in turns of jobs - I have to plan my steps exceedingly carefully and time everything just right. The next step in my life will come after my 21st birthday, or as far forward as a few months before my 22nd - definately within the next year or so. I'll be building up money gained from a smaller insurance quote to finance lessons and a test for my LGV license, which I can obtain after 21 years of age.
From then, it will be a steady increase all the way to HGV Class 1 by the age of 25, where, hopefully, I will still be employed in some form by ASDA and this will give me the easiest path into the short-distance delieveries I'm aiming for (the exact same career of my late grandfather, Frank).
This whole plan comes to rest in 5+ years time when I have my HGV1 license in my hand and an HGV1 driver's pay rolling into my bank account. Then, and only then, could I possibly even consider the other aspects of my life including a serious relationship whereby I (may) get married and take on the responsibility of kids.
Make no mistake, though, I didn't simply decide to not raise my own son as I thought my career was more important, but that is one of a vast ocean of reasons not to raise Kian. This one is a somewhat selfish reason, but how would you like it if your entire future was put on the line in a similar situation?
A lot of people fold and conform to the life chosen for them - that's why there are so many single mothers on the dole raising kids on their own, but I'm not conforming to what is socially acceptable here. I was, and still am, more than happy to have had Kian adopted into a loving, caring family who would have given him the best possible start to life. Hell, I'd gladly have kept in touch with that family to make sure he was being brought up properly, but Lynn wasn't about to have any of that and if you ever find yourself in my shoes you'd KNOW that the bloke is POWERLESS in these kinds of situations - which gives reason to my earlier statement of being close to suicidal; the next 18 years of my life could have (and still can be) fucked up royally if Lynn decides, at any point, to turn around and say she wants child support.
That's always in the back of my mind now. She even text me the other day asking for money for a trust fund. There have been several occasions where I've seen my parents walk in the house with new baby toys. That shit still eats at me every day. My mother is so blind and selfish she doesn't care about the trauma I've had and the fact that this has actually scarred me.
I used to think that one day I was going to get married and settle down and have kids. Nowadays, I find myself shatting the world's biggest brick every time Sarah even mentions 'the future', because kids are something she's probably going to want in 'the future' and this whole ordeal has affected me.
In summary. No Phil, please, do not comment on something you know so little about. The passage above is simply the tip of the iceberg about my thoughts and feelings about Lynn, Kian and my parents' involvement in the life of the son I don't even have the privilege of seeing. It's not a decision I willingly made, but it's the decision I made to try and best suit everyone. My mam disagrees and that's why these constant reminders are brought into the house. This is why Lynn has been introduced to every member of my family without me even knowing.
It's not as if I never tried to ease the situation, either. I've passed Lynn pushing Kian down King Street more than once and it's been awkward as fuck. I sent her a text saying I didn't like it and that I'd rather exchange a pleasent 'hello' when we saw each other; she even agreed to this. However, whenever I'm reminded that she has involvement with every member of my family BAR ME, it makes me feel like I have to try and ignore the situation as much as possible which is the only thing I can really do now.
My parents fucked this whole thing up by going to see her behind my back, meeting Kian without even confirming my feelings over the situation. I can barely look at my mam now without being woefully disgusted at the way she tret me through the majority of last year, so the next time you see me exchange an angry word or two with my mother, just remember what's going through my head every time I communicate with her.
I've already explained how I felt about them seeing him, but she doesn't even care about my feelings, she was more concerned about the 'emotional attachment' she has with the kid having just seen him for 5 minutes, once.
On top of this, you've got to remember the situation is FAR from over. Give it about 15/20 years when he comes looking for his father and realises he doesn't even have to look very hard because he was right around the corner, hidden from view. Do you honestly think he's going to leap into my arms with joy and love for his long-lost father? No, I didn't think so. He's going to hate me. Please, tell me now if your life ambition is to have a son/daughter who grows up to despise you? No, I didn't think so.
As I said, it was not an easy choice, but at the same time, I feel my choice is being disrespected by my parents AND misinterpreted as an abandonment of my responsibilities by some of my friends and work colleagues (oh yea, they know about this shit, too). This is far away from the idea I've been trying to convey. All I want is the best for my son like any loving father and the first choice I've had to make in his life has been the hardest I've had to make in my life and that was the decision to not be a part of his life.
However, back to the matter at hand... Bullock... so, if you'd please remove your cock (Phil) from Bullock's ass, we may continue.
My next reason being that you have no idea how Bullock has even reacts to the shit that goes on between the two of us, but allow me to elaborate:
I was there, sitting 2 inches away from him as he was reading my blog. There was Jeff sitting opposite, rather drunk, trying to make out that the blog was x100 worse than it really was, which naturally got Bullock a little raged in itself.
He read it on Jeff's iPhone (I wouldn't allow him the use of my G1... just in case! lol). He wasn't even phased by it as it's actually all stuff we've discussed before - what was discussed in that blog was nothing new. He did rage originally, though, as Jeff was trying to make it out as if I'd been talking about all the dark and dirty secrets of Bullock's past, which made him rage and put me on the backfoot, but having tried my fucking best to explain the fact that Jeff was the one trying to stir the shit up this time and not me, he calmed his passions and read what was in front of him.
I don't write these things to stir up shit, I write them to try and discuss issues between our lot and bring up some difficult shit that people don't really want to talk about in person. From experience, I know that my blogs and the content of my blogs are often to the topic of conversation for days and sometimes weeks after I've posted them. I write them to get people's feelings out into the open and it works a fucking charm. Admittedly, a lot of it is negative, but since when in human history did people actively hide positive feelings?
Also, Phil, your point about acting responsible. I'm not saying we have to break the law or things like that to have a good time. A good example of that is the fact Andy and I love a round of Snooker every now and then and we've played so many games we've even lost track of score! That's a common hobby we have and we enjoy going out and doing it together.
You said you like playing football, I fucking love football. I know I used to be one of the unpopular kids in school, so I always got stuck at the back, usually in goal, but this only made me good in goal and that ended up being where I played all the way up until I left school. I'd love nothing more than being put back between those sticks in a proper match. I feel jealous of one of the guys I work with who plays in a small team - he's about 10 years or so older than me and he's doing something I'd love to be doing right now!
It's hard to find something to do as a group like our's. What you've got to do, really, is branch out by participating in things that get you doing things you love with people who love doing it. This is what I used to do, not so much now.
In the peak of my MySpace useage and my previous blogs I went so far as to meet complete strangers in random nearby towns just to see what the crack was. A bunch of people as random and as fun-loving as myself inviting me on nights out to just do what the hell we felt like and I swear to God they were some of the best people I ever met. Bad crack when I had no job and didn't have the money to go back and see them. I haven't been there in almost a year now because of my persistent financial issues.
As for your next point, Phil, I know it's a pain getting people out. There have been times where I've said I'd come jogging because, like you said, we're gonna meet in the middle and I really, REALLY don't want that. I know I take a bit of encouraging and that it might put a stump in your progress waiting for me to catch up to you, physically, but if we went out often enough we'd be on the same level by mid/end of the summer and we would constantly encourage each other to keep going because we're on the same level.
There's no reason why we can't have nights to ourselves. No reason what-so-ever. If you find yourself with 5 minutes to spare, send everyone a text and you might get lucky and get a reply. Planning is where things go wrong. If you don't plan then nothing can go wrong and everything runs smoothly no matter what - this is my view on life. Look at the camping trip - it went from spontaneous to planned and that in itself was enough to put off Hally and Little Phil. I hope that camping is as awesome as it always seemed to be and I hope Andy will, one day, get another normal car so we can take more people next time, lol.
As a (what should be) final note, I just want to say that a big reason in behind writing these blogs again is to jump-start my spontaneous side again as I feel I've lost it in recent months what with all the serious stuff going on like money problems, pregnancies and all that. So for God's sake if anyone has even 5 minutes on their hands, just pick up that phone and look for my number because I will, once again, ALWAYS say 'yes' to doing something, anything just to make things that much more interesting and give me a reason to blog after work.
I wrote three blogs yesterday. The aim behind this is that in previous editions of my blog the aim was to just write a single blog daily, but nowadays I will blog at every given opportunity, because I know last time I wasn't too consistent and missed out some days. This way, I'll hopefully give out at least one portion of reading pleasure per day.
P.S. Midget, it helps to not skim things as reading only certain bits can put the blog out of context. I know some of you guys just love hearing the part where I talk about you, or just read enough to get the general idea of the blog then post, but often it takes what I'm saying out of context.
My blogs follow my train of thoughts more than anything - if I think it, I write it down; which is why the vast majority of my blogs go off on complete tangents and I end up on completely different subjects. However, there's all a point to that, because it helps you follow where my mind is going and, in turn, that in itself will teach you more about me than anything I can ever tell you in words.
The blogs help you get inside my mind. For example, I actually aimed to end this blog four paragraphs ago and this P.S. is in its 3rd paragraph, which should show, in itself, that planning things out doesn't really work nor does it always go with the flow which is why I never plan - I sketch. I make a rough idea of what should happen so it's easily editable for when the idea eventually changes.
I think I'll leave you all on a discussion that at least Phil, Juliet, Bullock and myself should be interested in: Newcastle? Staying up or going down? Poll is open until Sunday when the final games are played.
So, in reply to Midget: I'm well aware of changes; we all go through them and we all see everyone else go through them and I'm not trying to 'revive the past' as you put it, but merely trying to show people that holding onto their youth is a good thing. We need to let our hair down every once in a while otherwise we end up missing the positives in life and seeing an endless ocean of negatviity.
I'm aware of responsibilities and anyone who believes I haven't already planned to take on such responsibilities is a fool. Yes, I live with my parents, I only have a part-time job etc. but where I am now doesn't represent where I'll be in 5 years time.
In 5 years time things will be massively different. Who's to say any of us will even be speaking to one another then? This is my next point. I look at my parents and see them with minus amounts of £££ in the bank, I see them forking out on needless puchases for the home and I used to see my dad's day run like clockwork.
This is a mould I don't want to be a part of and I will do my best to break, because I don't want to be where my parents are in 20 years time. I want to be somewhere different; somewhere where people still have fun!
It's all good taking care of responsibilities, but you can't let that run your life or you end up a boring old fart. I honestly see myself as one of those old guys who still goes out clubbing in his old age; not drinking himself into the grave. I see myself as someone who maybe single when he's 50, but enjoying life every which way he can. I value my friendly/fun-loving side more than anything, because I see a lot of people who grow old miserably and I refuse to be one of them.
This is the main reason behind me trying to drag out everyone's youth and playfulness, because it's hard to keep hold of and I can already see some of you guys losing it.
In reply to Phil: I actually find your first sentence rather disrespectful. You have little/no idea what's gone on in the past year with this bullshit and it's something I'd rather you didn't. I wouldn't want any of my mates going through what I did last year - I felt close to suicidal at times.
How many people do honestly know would abondon raising their own child without a fucking good reason? No, I don't know any, because I'm not one of them.
Using the TA as an excuse to build him up is pointless, too. I mean I think there was someone else in our group who did that for a while... uhm... let me think. Oh yea! It was me! I, who regrettably left after having to take on other responsibilities (wow, there's that word again!).
I got 2 jobs in very quick succession - I couldn't keep up the TA as planning my future put me into so much financial turmoil.
It starts like this:
I joined the TA as a tender 17 year old fresh out of college. It wasn't until after my 18th birthday that I'd decided what it was I wanted to do with my life - drive!
The licence came within 3 months of my 18th birthday, as did a horrific break-up with my ex, Bernice. Another few months down the line I would eventually buy a car, which would dictate my life for the next 2 years (so far).
I was 18 years into my life when I decided that I'd want to drive for a living and with the way the world is, that would give me about 7 years to prepare. We're currently 2 years into those 7.
Everyone else is getting ahead with jobs, college, uni and everything else in their lives, whilst I hang back from the pack, getting a steady part-time job (which I've held for an entire year now), and just generally maintining myself.
My life is now a waiting game in turns of jobs - I have to plan my steps exceedingly carefully and time everything just right. The next step in my life will come after my 21st birthday, or as far forward as a few months before my 22nd - definately within the next year or so. I'll be building up money gained from a smaller insurance quote to finance lessons and a test for my LGV license, which I can obtain after 21 years of age.
From then, it will be a steady increase all the way to HGV Class 1 by the age of 25, where, hopefully, I will still be employed in some form by ASDA and this will give me the easiest path into the short-distance delieveries I'm aiming for (the exact same career of my late grandfather, Frank).
This whole plan comes to rest in 5+ years time when I have my HGV1 license in my hand and an HGV1 driver's pay rolling into my bank account. Then, and only then, could I possibly even consider the other aspects of my life including a serious relationship whereby I (may) get married and take on the responsibility of kids.
Make no mistake, though, I didn't simply decide to not raise my own son as I thought my career was more important, but that is one of a vast ocean of reasons not to raise Kian. This one is a somewhat selfish reason, but how would you like it if your entire future was put on the line in a similar situation?
A lot of people fold and conform to the life chosen for them - that's why there are so many single mothers on the dole raising kids on their own, but I'm not conforming to what is socially acceptable here. I was, and still am, more than happy to have had Kian adopted into a loving, caring family who would have given him the best possible start to life. Hell, I'd gladly have kept in touch with that family to make sure he was being brought up properly, but Lynn wasn't about to have any of that and if you ever find yourself in my shoes you'd KNOW that the bloke is POWERLESS in these kinds of situations - which gives reason to my earlier statement of being close to suicidal; the next 18 years of my life could have (and still can be) fucked up royally if Lynn decides, at any point, to turn around and say she wants child support.
That's always in the back of my mind now. She even text me the other day asking for money for a trust fund. There have been several occasions where I've seen my parents walk in the house with new baby toys. That shit still eats at me every day. My mother is so blind and selfish she doesn't care about the trauma I've had and the fact that this has actually scarred me.
I used to think that one day I was going to get married and settle down and have kids. Nowadays, I find myself shatting the world's biggest brick every time Sarah even mentions 'the future', because kids are something she's probably going to want in 'the future' and this whole ordeal has affected me.
In summary. No Phil, please, do not comment on something you know so little about. The passage above is simply the tip of the iceberg about my thoughts and feelings about Lynn, Kian and my parents' involvement in the life of the son I don't even have the privilege of seeing. It's not a decision I willingly made, but it's the decision I made to try and best suit everyone. My mam disagrees and that's why these constant reminders are brought into the house. This is why Lynn has been introduced to every member of my family without me even knowing.
It's not as if I never tried to ease the situation, either. I've passed Lynn pushing Kian down King Street more than once and it's been awkward as fuck. I sent her a text saying I didn't like it and that I'd rather exchange a pleasent 'hello' when we saw each other; she even agreed to this. However, whenever I'm reminded that she has involvement with every member of my family BAR ME, it makes me feel like I have to try and ignore the situation as much as possible which is the only thing I can really do now.
My parents fucked this whole thing up by going to see her behind my back, meeting Kian without even confirming my feelings over the situation. I can barely look at my mam now without being woefully disgusted at the way she tret me through the majority of last year, so the next time you see me exchange an angry word or two with my mother, just remember what's going through my head every time I communicate with her.
I've already explained how I felt about them seeing him, but she doesn't even care about my feelings, she was more concerned about the 'emotional attachment' she has with the kid having just seen him for 5 minutes, once.
On top of this, you've got to remember the situation is FAR from over. Give it about 15/20 years when he comes looking for his father and realises he doesn't even have to look very hard because he was right around the corner, hidden from view. Do you honestly think he's going to leap into my arms with joy and love for his long-lost father? No, I didn't think so. He's going to hate me. Please, tell me now if your life ambition is to have a son/daughter who grows up to despise you? No, I didn't think so.
As I said, it was not an easy choice, but at the same time, I feel my choice is being disrespected by my parents AND misinterpreted as an abandonment of my responsibilities by some of my friends and work colleagues (oh yea, they know about this shit, too). This is far away from the idea I've been trying to convey. All I want is the best for my son like any loving father and the first choice I've had to make in his life has been the hardest I've had to make in my life and that was the decision to not be a part of his life.
However, back to the matter at hand... Bullock... so, if you'd please remove your cock (Phil) from Bullock's ass, we may continue.
My next reason being that you have no idea how Bullock has even reacts to the shit that goes on between the two of us, but allow me to elaborate:
I was there, sitting 2 inches away from him as he was reading my blog. There was Jeff sitting opposite, rather drunk, trying to make out that the blog was x100 worse than it really was, which naturally got Bullock a little raged in itself.
He read it on Jeff's iPhone (I wouldn't allow him the use of my G1... just in case! lol). He wasn't even phased by it as it's actually all stuff we've discussed before - what was discussed in that blog was nothing new. He did rage originally, though, as Jeff was trying to make it out as if I'd been talking about all the dark and dirty secrets of Bullock's past, which made him rage and put me on the backfoot, but having tried my fucking best to explain the fact that Jeff was the one trying to stir the shit up this time and not me, he calmed his passions and read what was in front of him.
I don't write these things to stir up shit, I write them to try and discuss issues between our lot and bring up some difficult shit that people don't really want to talk about in person. From experience, I know that my blogs and the content of my blogs are often to the topic of conversation for days and sometimes weeks after I've posted them. I write them to get people's feelings out into the open and it works a fucking charm. Admittedly, a lot of it is negative, but since when in human history did people actively hide positive feelings?
Also, Phil, your point about acting responsible. I'm not saying we have to break the law or things like that to have a good time. A good example of that is the fact Andy and I love a round of Snooker every now and then and we've played so many games we've even lost track of score! That's a common hobby we have and we enjoy going out and doing it together.
You said you like playing football, I fucking love football. I know I used to be one of the unpopular kids in school, so I always got stuck at the back, usually in goal, but this only made me good in goal and that ended up being where I played all the way up until I left school. I'd love nothing more than being put back between those sticks in a proper match. I feel jealous of one of the guys I work with who plays in a small team - he's about 10 years or so older than me and he's doing something I'd love to be doing right now!
It's hard to find something to do as a group like our's. What you've got to do, really, is branch out by participating in things that get you doing things you love with people who love doing it. This is what I used to do, not so much now.
In the peak of my MySpace useage and my previous blogs I went so far as to meet complete strangers in random nearby towns just to see what the crack was. A bunch of people as random and as fun-loving as myself inviting me on nights out to just do what the hell we felt like and I swear to God they were some of the best people I ever met. Bad crack when I had no job and didn't have the money to go back and see them. I haven't been there in almost a year now because of my persistent financial issues.
As for your next point, Phil, I know it's a pain getting people out. There have been times where I've said I'd come jogging because, like you said, we're gonna meet in the middle and I really, REALLY don't want that. I know I take a bit of encouraging and that it might put a stump in your progress waiting for me to catch up to you, physically, but if we went out often enough we'd be on the same level by mid/end of the summer and we would constantly encourage each other to keep going because we're on the same level.
There's no reason why we can't have nights to ourselves. No reason what-so-ever. If you find yourself with 5 minutes to spare, send everyone a text and you might get lucky and get a reply. Planning is where things go wrong. If you don't plan then nothing can go wrong and everything runs smoothly no matter what - this is my view on life. Look at the camping trip - it went from spontaneous to planned and that in itself was enough to put off Hally and Little Phil. I hope that camping is as awesome as it always seemed to be and I hope Andy will, one day, get another normal car so we can take more people next time, lol.
As a (what should be) final note, I just want to say that a big reason in behind writing these blogs again is to jump-start my spontaneous side again as I feel I've lost it in recent months what with all the serious stuff going on like money problems, pregnancies and all that. So for God's sake if anyone has even 5 minutes on their hands, just pick up that phone and look for my number because I will, once again, ALWAYS say 'yes' to doing something, anything just to make things that much more interesting and give me a reason to blog after work.
I wrote three blogs yesterday. The aim behind this is that in previous editions of my blog the aim was to just write a single blog daily, but nowadays I will blog at every given opportunity, because I know last time I wasn't too consistent and missed out some days. This way, I'll hopefully give out at least one portion of reading pleasure per day.
P.S. Midget, it helps to not skim things as reading only certain bits can put the blog out of context. I know some of you guys just love hearing the part where I talk about you, or just read enough to get the general idea of the blog then post, but often it takes what I'm saying out of context.
My blogs follow my train of thoughts more than anything - if I think it, I write it down; which is why the vast majority of my blogs go off on complete tangents and I end up on completely different subjects. However, there's all a point to that, because it helps you follow where my mind is going and, in turn, that in itself will teach you more about me than anything I can ever tell you in words.
The blogs help you get inside my mind. For example, I actually aimed to end this blog four paragraphs ago and this P.S. is in its 3rd paragraph, which should show, in itself, that planning things out doesn't really work nor does it always go with the flow which is why I never plan - I sketch. I make a rough idea of what should happen so it's easily editable for when the idea eventually changes.
I think I'll leave you all on a discussion that at least Phil, Juliet, Bullock and myself should be interested in: Newcastle? Staying up or going down? Poll is open until Sunday when the final games are played.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Laying down the rules.
First off, I know this is a blog site rather than MySpace - I'm going to get complete randoms posting comments, and that's fine, but I just want to lay down some ground rules:
I have set it so that anyone can comment - registered users to this site or not, however, that privilege will be removed very quickly if abused. I set it that way because I know the vast majority of my mates (the main people I want responses from) won't be registered here and half of them won't be interested in doing so.
So if you are going to comment, I'd prefer it if you posted under a name we all already recognise you under. Either your real names or your alter egos: twisted logic, twisted freak, narayanfire (sp, andy? lol), nucleardefcon etc.
At the same time, if anyone pretends to be someone else, comments will be deleted.
I want people to respond to my blogs in the appropriate manner, not stir shit by pretending to be someone else, or posting under an anonymous title (unless posting anonymously is appropriate).
I do respect the fact that some of you guys will want to get some shit out into the open, but not have it fall back on yourself in which case, yes, by all means, post under the Anonymous tag, but don't make general comments when we don't know who it is, because that sort of defeats the point of debating this sort of thing.
That is all.
I have set it so that anyone can comment - registered users to this site or not, however, that privilege will be removed very quickly if abused. I set it that way because I know the vast majority of my mates (the main people I want responses from) won't be registered here and half of them won't be interested in doing so.
So if you are going to comment, I'd prefer it if you posted under a name we all already recognise you under. Either your real names or your alter egos: twisted logic, twisted freak, narayanfire (sp, andy? lol), nucleardefcon etc.
At the same time, if anyone pretends to be someone else, comments will be deleted.
I want people to respond to my blogs in the appropriate manner, not stir shit by pretending to be someone else, or posting under an anonymous title (unless posting anonymously is appropriate).
I do respect the fact that some of you guys will want to get some shit out into the open, but not have it fall back on yourself in which case, yes, by all means, post under the Anonymous tag, but don't make general comments when we don't know who it is, because that sort of defeats the point of debating this sort of thing.
That is all.
A New Store, A New Life?
Today marks the opening of the new ASDA store in South Shields and with it marks the closure of the old one. Whilst I've been anticipating the arrival of the new store, it's dawned on me exactly what's happening this week. We're seeing the removal of a landmark in all of our lives (well, those of us who live in Shields, anyway).
The ASDA store that sits on top of Ocean Road has been there for as long as I can remember, over 20 years, in fact! It had its problems and it was a bit small, but we loved it for what it was.
I got home about 4 hours ago after thinking about the events that are taking place. I was working at the new store (it's ok, but it's a new experience for all of us and there are going to be problems, but they'll sort themselves out) and I got sent back to the old store to pick up a couple of things.
As I drove up to the car park I could already see the metal gates they've placed around the car park. That in itself was the cause of so much stress for some people! Trying to find a space in the only free car park in the area was a nightmare for a lot of people. Now it's empty with a bunch of trolleys scattered across - it was like a wasteland.
Then I drove up to the front doors. The ASDA sign above the door had already been taken down and half of the signs were laid in the corner of the car park. It seemed a little depressing, but I drove on, parking near the colleague entrance. As I opened the door, I looked back at my parking - I hadn't even attempted to park, in fact, I was spread across 3 bays (the car, not me). This was something I'd never done, regardless of the fact it was night and we knew nobody was coming in.
Anyway. As I walked along the corridor, everything seemed normal until I got into the backshop. It was bare. Normally you'd be seeing cages lined up against the wall filled with things like flour for the bakery - all gone.
The only way I could describe the shop itself was, well, horrific. Entire aisles laid empty, boxes all over and a certain unnerving dimness about the lighting made the scene all the more sad. I then noticed my manager, Chris, who I'd come here to see.
As I walked down the centre aisle of the store, I passed so many places. On my left I passed the aisles where there was once Veg and Soup - that used to be worked by Michael. To my right was the Health and Beauty aisles and the toilet rolls. I remember when I first started almost a year ago to the day: I barely knew where anything was just like now in the new store. Toilet rolls ended up home to a Scot I went through my training with - Helen.
Going past that aisle made me realise just how long it was I'd been there for and, despite still having a job, it feels like I'm working somewhere entirely new.
Then on my left again was crisps, where Denise worked. The soap powders was next on my right - Yaroslav's aisle (he's Ukrainian and he's fucking awesome). That was right next to my home - the pet food and cereal aisles. I glanced down them both, knowing I wouldn't be going down there again for a long time.
Finally, on my left side there was pop - Margaret's aisle, and BWS (Beers, Wines and Spririts) which was worked by Jeanette, who, incidentally, knows Lynn, but we'll not get in to that.
I didn't realise how iconic that final long walk along the store was until after I'd done it. It was like a movie where everything was broken and there are flashbacks of the memories you had there. I know it's just a store to most of you reading, but to me it was almost like a second home. A pretty sad fucking place to have a second home, but a familiar place nontheless.
I know there's going to be a lot more going on in this new store and a lot more memories are yet to develop, but for now it was good to remind myself about how good this place was and how important it has been for the vast majority of the people in our area. It's been a true icon.
I know we're moving just a step down the road, but it feels like a million miles away to me. I never knew that seeing that store in the empty, worn-down state it's currently in would have such an effect on me, but it has. If I could take any one of you through that store right now I would, even just a fly-on-the-wall's look at what's going on in there even as you read this - it's quite heartbreaking in a way.
This place, as meaningless, as horrible, as packed and out-dated as it was had a lot of character and charm to it, the kind of feeling this uptight, modern new building just doesn't have to it.
After I talked to Chris and got what I needed, I decided to take one final look around the place. Firstly, I went to the backshop to have a look at the freezers. Usually jam-packed full of crap, there was one cage with a few ham joints on it. It looked so solitary in a massive freezer all alone; a freezer that was once filled to the rim (and sometimes over-filled!) with all the frozen goods David and Jay used to whack out during the wee hours of the morning.
I went downstairs. I laughed as I came into the cafeteria and the TV was still on - so typical. I stopped off in the warehouse, too. Cages lined the walls en-masse, filled to the top with carboard and other rubbish - the customers and other stores certainly did a good job clearing out the store on its final day. I made one final walk to the back of the warehouse where the backstock was kept. It wasn't there any more - just piles of rubbish and a truck-load of pallets wrapped up and ready for other ASDA stores.
I went down into the courtyard. The first thing I noticed was what was lying in the corner - the ASDA sign from the side of the building. I thought I could open the shutters and make off with that giant 'S', but then I realised it'd look a bit suspicious in the new car park!
Next stop was up the upstairs and into the training room. They still had the TV on in the training room - they never even use it, but it's never switched off. I swear, if they just turned off the TVs in this place every once in a while they could have a couple of hundred £££ on the 'leccy bill!
Final stop was the men's room! One final slash and it was time to leave this place for good. It felt weird. Out of all the times I've entered the car park the wrong way to park in the corner to go to the Wouldhave, I never once went OUT of the car park the wrong way, but because of the metal fences in place, I had to.
I think I drove about 10mph all the way down the side of the store until I passed Vogue before I looked away from that building. That was the last time I even glanced at it. Then I pulled up outside the new store, got out of my car and just looked up to the store above me. This is it, then - a new beginning, almost.
A New Store, A New Life?
Neh, not really. I don't know about the rest of my colleagues, but I'm going to make the most of my time in this new store, because I'm not going to be here forever and I want to make my time here as good as I can make it.
The ASDA store that sits on top of Ocean Road has been there for as long as I can remember, over 20 years, in fact! It had its problems and it was a bit small, but we loved it for what it was.
I got home about 4 hours ago after thinking about the events that are taking place. I was working at the new store (it's ok, but it's a new experience for all of us and there are going to be problems, but they'll sort themselves out) and I got sent back to the old store to pick up a couple of things.
As I drove up to the car park I could already see the metal gates they've placed around the car park. That in itself was the cause of so much stress for some people! Trying to find a space in the only free car park in the area was a nightmare for a lot of people. Now it's empty with a bunch of trolleys scattered across - it was like a wasteland.
Then I drove up to the front doors. The ASDA sign above the door had already been taken down and half of the signs were laid in the corner of the car park. It seemed a little depressing, but I drove on, parking near the colleague entrance. As I opened the door, I looked back at my parking - I hadn't even attempted to park, in fact, I was spread across 3 bays (the car, not me). This was something I'd never done, regardless of the fact it was night and we knew nobody was coming in.
Anyway. As I walked along the corridor, everything seemed normal until I got into the backshop. It was bare. Normally you'd be seeing cages lined up against the wall filled with things like flour for the bakery - all gone.
The only way I could describe the shop itself was, well, horrific. Entire aisles laid empty, boxes all over and a certain unnerving dimness about the lighting made the scene all the more sad. I then noticed my manager, Chris, who I'd come here to see.
As I walked down the centre aisle of the store, I passed so many places. On my left I passed the aisles where there was once Veg and Soup - that used to be worked by Michael. To my right was the Health and Beauty aisles and the toilet rolls. I remember when I first started almost a year ago to the day: I barely knew where anything was just like now in the new store. Toilet rolls ended up home to a Scot I went through my training with - Helen.
Going past that aisle made me realise just how long it was I'd been there for and, despite still having a job, it feels like I'm working somewhere entirely new.
Then on my left again was crisps, where Denise worked. The soap powders was next on my right - Yaroslav's aisle (he's Ukrainian and he's fucking awesome). That was right next to my home - the pet food and cereal aisles. I glanced down them both, knowing I wouldn't be going down there again for a long time.
Finally, on my left side there was pop - Margaret's aisle, and BWS (Beers, Wines and Spririts) which was worked by Jeanette, who, incidentally, knows Lynn, but we'll not get in to that.
I didn't realise how iconic that final long walk along the store was until after I'd done it. It was like a movie where everything was broken and there are flashbacks of the memories you had there. I know it's just a store to most of you reading, but to me it was almost like a second home. A pretty sad fucking place to have a second home, but a familiar place nontheless.
I know there's going to be a lot more going on in this new store and a lot more memories are yet to develop, but for now it was good to remind myself about how good this place was and how important it has been for the vast majority of the people in our area. It's been a true icon.
I know we're moving just a step down the road, but it feels like a million miles away to me. I never knew that seeing that store in the empty, worn-down state it's currently in would have such an effect on me, but it has. If I could take any one of you through that store right now I would, even just a fly-on-the-wall's look at what's going on in there even as you read this - it's quite heartbreaking in a way.
This place, as meaningless, as horrible, as packed and out-dated as it was had a lot of character and charm to it, the kind of feeling this uptight, modern new building just doesn't have to it.
After I talked to Chris and got what I needed, I decided to take one final look around the place. Firstly, I went to the backshop to have a look at the freezers. Usually jam-packed full of crap, there was one cage with a few ham joints on it. It looked so solitary in a massive freezer all alone; a freezer that was once filled to the rim (and sometimes over-filled!) with all the frozen goods David and Jay used to whack out during the wee hours of the morning.
I went downstairs. I laughed as I came into the cafeteria and the TV was still on - so typical. I stopped off in the warehouse, too. Cages lined the walls en-masse, filled to the top with carboard and other rubbish - the customers and other stores certainly did a good job clearing out the store on its final day. I made one final walk to the back of the warehouse where the backstock was kept. It wasn't there any more - just piles of rubbish and a truck-load of pallets wrapped up and ready for other ASDA stores.
I went down into the courtyard. The first thing I noticed was what was lying in the corner - the ASDA sign from the side of the building. I thought I could open the shutters and make off with that giant 'S', but then I realised it'd look a bit suspicious in the new car park!
Next stop was up the upstairs and into the training room. They still had the TV on in the training room - they never even use it, but it's never switched off. I swear, if they just turned off the TVs in this place every once in a while they could have a couple of hundred £££ on the 'leccy bill!
Final stop was the men's room! One final slash and it was time to leave this place for good. It felt weird. Out of all the times I've entered the car park the wrong way to park in the corner to go to the Wouldhave, I never once went OUT of the car park the wrong way, but because of the metal fences in place, I had to.
I think I drove about 10mph all the way down the side of the store until I passed Vogue before I looked away from that building. That was the last time I even glanced at it. Then I pulled up outside the new store, got out of my car and just looked up to the store above me. This is it, then - a new beginning, almost.
A New Store, A New Life?
Neh, not really. I don't know about the rest of my colleagues, but I'm going to make the most of my time in this new store, because I'm not going to be here forever and I want to make my time here as good as I can make it.
A New Blog, A New Home.
Who remembers the days when people actually used MySpace? Long time ago. There was once a time when I would happily spend hours at the screen of my computer and laptop, tapping the keyboard merrily keeping friends updated with the daily happenings of my life.
Come the beginning of 2009, though, those blogs seemed long gone, but clearly not forgotten. So it begins again - a new life injected into my blogs and a happy new home here at Blogger. It certainly seems to be a more appropriate place for them compared to MySpace.
So why? What's the reason behind the revival? Simple answer, really.
It has come to my attention that I haven't really been the fun-loving person I always was, thanks to Little Phil pointing this out on Saturday in GameStation. He wasn't talking about me, though, even though I felt a strong connection to what it was he was talking about.
It seems that some of our friends have gone astray from what they once were and it's a bit upsetting to say the least. There was a time where I could pick up my phone say "right guys, we're gonna go out and do this today" and we did it. Nowadays, though, our circle is littered with people who just don't want to go, who don't want to do anything and it's affecting us somewhat.
Let us, in fact, rewind the clocks almost 2 years and see where we were then to where we are now.
First stop, and possibly the biggest stop: Midget. Once the biggest encouragement for a night out is now, seemingly, the almost complete opposite. We all fell in love with a guy who was outrageous, not afraid to take some risks and a fucking awesome dancer. What about now, Craig? I know it isn't easy affording a car right now, but it's a big step to go from the sheer awesomeness of the Suzuki Cappucino, to a family-man's Rover.
You know fine well how much you want to get back in that thing - why else would it still be sitting on your driveway? Or is that down to the other changes? Maybe becoming a bit pedantic? Or is it down to feeling too sensible and you keep that as a reminder that, one day, you know you're gonna let loose again?
You could argue the toss that you're still the guy you were when I first met you, but the guy who constantly acts the fool is a thing of the past, it seems. Yes, acting like a twonk does have its downsides because we knew you were putting it on which took away the effect, but when was the last time you ended up facing the wrong way on a roundabout? Or the last time you set a deoderant can on fire?
Hell, even Hally's recent BBQ wasn't all that eventful and seriously toned down from previous years, but the biggest part we all miss is that freakishly fantastic dancer we had. Sure, you still get up and do the odd jig, but where were you on Saturday? Nowhere. Playing loads of the stuff we thrived on in Ku Club, yet on the dancefloor we saw your's trully, Andy, Little Phil and Hally - hell, even Juliet was up and dancing, but not Midget.
Again, you could argue the toss that you're not a bore, but the simple fact is you've seriously toned yourself down since meeting Vanessa - which brings me onto my next point; Vanessa. She fell for that freakish dancer, that risk-taker and loveable fool that you were and I thought you knew that. There's not much she's done to try and change you, in fact, she encourages your outrageousness more than most of us.
Next on the list is Hally. Thankfully, this one isn't a bitching session. I've always been told about an Andrew Hall who let himself go every once in a while, who went out and had fun, but I never really saw it because he was madly pussy-whipped. I think he's realised the chain isn't to tight and I'm beginning to see what everyone was talking about now.
We used to go to Ku Club, we used to go to Trillions, we used to go to Baroque, we used to go to Passion, we used to go to Legends, we used to go to Krash, but none of these really seemed to tickle Hally the right way. Then a couple of weeks back we went to Annie McCarthy's. Wow. That's all I have to say. I've been there twice in the past 2 weeks and the one person I see up there on that dancefloor more than anyone is Hally. This behaviour needs to be encouraged.
We then move on to Andy. Again, not a negative one, really. Andy in a relationship = awesome! Andy out of a relationship = even more friggin' awesome! I've always loved Andy and is, quite possibly, the only boyfriend my sister has had who I've ever really liked. I'm not totally sure what the deal is, but Andy + relationships don't tend to go too well for too long - I don't know if it's because he doesn't really like being tied down or whether being in a relationship disrutps his creative flow, but I know he'll get that the way he wants it.
Anyway, more to the point. Andy has the sort of attitude a lot of us should maybe strive for. He's calm on the most part, he will gladly protect the feelings of his friends, but may/not draw the line if doing so will put a strain on a relationship he has with someone else. He's very outgoing and not afriad to get stuck in. He hasn't changed too much since the day I met him, but he certainly seems a lot more confident now than when I first met him.
Little Phil would be the next. Still pretty much the same arrogant, up-his-own-ass twat he was when I met him, but that's his charm. He's a strong believer in the whole dog-eat-dog thing; "you're either with me or against me", which is reflected in his attitude. He know I'm 100% on his side in almost any battle. Look at it this way; he'll take the piss out of everyone, but he won't do it to me.
Why? I take the piss out of everyone with him is why. Example. Bullock rages, Bullock rages hard, because he bites at everything we take the piss out of him for, be it the lack of sex, the way he talks about the TA 24/7 or just his failings in general (we'll come to that in a bit). Phil takes the piss out of Bullock for everything and I join him.
Lets say Little Phil has something to take the piss out of me for - join in with him and he won't be a dick to you later. That's how he works. This has made Sarah rage at me a few times, but hey.
* I'm not talking about Bullock yet, that will probably be the biggest rant out of the lot, so that'll wait *
So next instead is probably Clarky. Love the guy, I really do. Guy's just spent God-knows how long out in Afghan and he returns home with nothing as it was. Can't say I'm surprised, but I don't think he is either, really. We've been out a few times with him and he's seen it from the outside - none of us are really that much fun-loving anymore, not compared to what we were a year ago.
This is what I'm getting at with this first blog - some people have changed dramatically in just the last year and it's not all good. It's a good reason to start writing again, is it not? Reminding you all of what you were in an attempt to respark what was once a glorious fire. As a group we were unstoppable, but now it's difficult even just to bring us all together.
Clarky's noticed this instantly, because he's seen the sudden change, not the gradual decline of our group over the past year.
For God's sake, guys, we need to bash our heads together otherwise this won't last too much longer. The camping trip, for example; is it even going to work? Yea we'll all go, we'll probably get slaughtered on drink, but will it be any fun?
Lets start off with the location, about a stone's throw away from where you all went last year - Little Phil and Hally already don't want to come and that's going to be a huge loss because, as implied with the blog so far, they're the ones keeping this group on its feet right now.
We're going to be left with a Craig who will probably sob about being so far away from Vanessa (prove me wrong, dude - do it) and a Bullock who will most likely rage at not picking up a random Scottish lass, and what about the rest? We need to look at ourselves and think about what we're bringing to this camping trip. I don't mean in supplies, I mean in personality - do we even have the personality any more to make this a FUCKING AWESOME camping trip? I'm not so sure.
I'm going to be at my worst up there, believe me. I'm going to get really fucking hammered for the first time in over 2 years, I'm going to drag you guys to do whatever fun shit comes our way and beat the shit out of anyone who doesn't conform. If I see a cliff I want to jump down, we're doing it. If we see some random we wanna scare the shit out of, we're doing it. We're not doing this to have another night out at Wetherspoon's. We're going out there to make a mark in our lives - a mark that says that these were awesome times, not ones of hardship.
I finally want to talk about Bullock - I'll try and keep it sort.
I know he's been away for God-knows how long to the Czech Republic then just randomly appears back at the doorstep, but he's clearly been the hot topic since the whole Andy/Joy fiasco that first night out at Annie Mac's.
I don't want to sit and slate him too much, because God help me I love the fucker, but someone needs to get this point across to him. First, though, I just want to apologise to him for the way I've acted recently and that, at times, I may come across a little harsh. I know these are tough times for him going through the grief he is. So I apologise.
BUT - and that's a but bigger than Sarah's. BUT, there is just something that needs to be said. It's been said before, I know it has, but Bullock really, REALLY, needs to lay off the pussy-chase and if he sits and reads this carefully he might actually get why.
Right.
We know, Bullock, you're going through a dry patch. You're seeing girls you like and you're getting rejected. This gets you a little frustrated after a while, I know, Bullock, I've been through those dry patches myself as have most of us, but you're not helping yourself in any way, shape or form.
This might seem a little unorthodox, but there have honestly been times I've just thought of hiring you a prostitute, I really have. Not to insult you that you need to pay for sex, but even just to get your confidence up just a tiny little bit to get you out of this downward spiral you're clearly heading down.
The whole Danielle thing didn't fail because of Alex or Joy or anyone other than yourself. The whole Danielle saga might seem a little pointless on its own, but the bigger picture shows that this will be the outcome of every female you encounter until you change your approach
This is what I did. I was in the same spot as you (remember the Celeste thing?). I was getting rather desperate then, but I didn't let that get to me. I wasn't about to let some dry patch stop me from getting someone. Just stop trying. Seriously. It's as simple as that.
Well, I say simple - it's actually insanely difficult to not tell a lass how you feel, but that's what you've got to do. Just play the cool guy and try to overcome your social awkwardness, because that's what's setting you back the most. Do yourself a favour and take a female, a fucking GORGEOUS female and say to yourself "right, I'm not picking this one up tonight". Walk up to her say "hi, my name's Karl, what's your's?".
You'll get some negative responses as a lot of women just kinda expect guys to want sex from them the minute they make eye contact, but you'll be surprised how many positive responses you'll get just by saying 'hi'.
Don't rely on your looks. Please don't. Of course make yourself look respectable, but don't rely on looks from across the bar to work, because they don't. Relationships on any level begin to work the minute you open your trap. Whether it be an internet friendship, a friendship IRL or even a romance - they all start by communication between the two parties.
The idea of just having a conversation with a lass and not taking her home is that you need a confidence builder. Knowing you can walk up to anyone, no matter how hawt she is, and just be able to talk (not about the TA), will make you more confident and, in turn, will help your chances of something actually going somewhere.
Your other option is date rape, but I think that's a little illegal? Not sure. Might wanna carry some of that on you just in case it's not going too well.
The female problem is also directly linked to your rage problem, or as I now like to call them "Bull". Instead of "I raged" you say "I Bull'd", because your name has now been directly linked with raging. Whenever someone rages or thinks about someone raging, you're instantly brought up in conversation. Again, it's down to the lack of female attention.
Try this one on for size. Keep a pen handy. If you feel like you're going to rage, stick it in your mouth and I will hand you my phone which is littered with awesome daily jokes. Read a few, you'll be laughing your ass off and you'll avoid the rage.
I have created a rage-o-meter for your purpose.
That actually came out really bad, but you get the picture. You see on the left are the uber cool cats like Ashby and Andy who just never get worked up about anything. Then you've got Clarky on the right-ish who, we know, loves to get in a good rage and beat the shit out of someone in a night club.
Bullock, your rage is a different type of rage to Clarky's in that you don't actively seek out fights in clubs, BUT your rage is teetering dangerously close to the edge. You're about one rage away from having a system shut down and you're gonna go fucking loopy - no joke.
You need to go from where you are to about Little Phil's level for a start, then work your way on becoming a cool-cat like Andy. Learn to control it.
Don't try so hard with the girls, either. That's what fucked up with Danielle, you try too hard. Back off, let her make the moves and you'll get what's coming to you - a nice big bowl of pussy. I drink Guinness - Good things come to those who wait. Key word - wait. Don't let the pussy rule you, rule the pussy, then they obey you.
I think I've had enough rant for one morning after work - night!
Come the beginning of 2009, though, those blogs seemed long gone, but clearly not forgotten. So it begins again - a new life injected into my blogs and a happy new home here at Blogger. It certainly seems to be a more appropriate place for them compared to MySpace.
So why? What's the reason behind the revival? Simple answer, really.
It has come to my attention that I haven't really been the fun-loving person I always was, thanks to Little Phil pointing this out on Saturday in GameStation. He wasn't talking about me, though, even though I felt a strong connection to what it was he was talking about.
It seems that some of our friends have gone astray from what they once were and it's a bit upsetting to say the least. There was a time where I could pick up my phone say "right guys, we're gonna go out and do this today" and we did it. Nowadays, though, our circle is littered with people who just don't want to go, who don't want to do anything and it's affecting us somewhat.
Let us, in fact, rewind the clocks almost 2 years and see where we were then to where we are now.
First stop, and possibly the biggest stop: Midget. Once the biggest encouragement for a night out is now, seemingly, the almost complete opposite. We all fell in love with a guy who was outrageous, not afraid to take some risks and a fucking awesome dancer. What about now, Craig? I know it isn't easy affording a car right now, but it's a big step to go from the sheer awesomeness of the Suzuki Cappucino, to a family-man's Rover.
You know fine well how much you want to get back in that thing - why else would it still be sitting on your driveway? Or is that down to the other changes? Maybe becoming a bit pedantic? Or is it down to feeling too sensible and you keep that as a reminder that, one day, you know you're gonna let loose again?
You could argue the toss that you're still the guy you were when I first met you, but the guy who constantly acts the fool is a thing of the past, it seems. Yes, acting like a twonk does have its downsides because we knew you were putting it on which took away the effect, but when was the last time you ended up facing the wrong way on a roundabout? Or the last time you set a deoderant can on fire?
Hell, even Hally's recent BBQ wasn't all that eventful and seriously toned down from previous years, but the biggest part we all miss is that freakishly fantastic dancer we had. Sure, you still get up and do the odd jig, but where were you on Saturday? Nowhere. Playing loads of the stuff we thrived on in Ku Club, yet on the dancefloor we saw your's trully, Andy, Little Phil and Hally - hell, even Juliet was up and dancing, but not Midget.
Again, you could argue the toss that you're not a bore, but the simple fact is you've seriously toned yourself down since meeting Vanessa - which brings me onto my next point; Vanessa. She fell for that freakish dancer, that risk-taker and loveable fool that you were and I thought you knew that. There's not much she's done to try and change you, in fact, she encourages your outrageousness more than most of us.
Next on the list is Hally. Thankfully, this one isn't a bitching session. I've always been told about an Andrew Hall who let himself go every once in a while, who went out and had fun, but I never really saw it because he was madly pussy-whipped. I think he's realised the chain isn't to tight and I'm beginning to see what everyone was talking about now.
We used to go to Ku Club, we used to go to Trillions, we used to go to Baroque, we used to go to Passion, we used to go to Legends, we used to go to Krash, but none of these really seemed to tickle Hally the right way. Then a couple of weeks back we went to Annie McCarthy's. Wow. That's all I have to say. I've been there twice in the past 2 weeks and the one person I see up there on that dancefloor more than anyone is Hally. This behaviour needs to be encouraged.
We then move on to Andy. Again, not a negative one, really. Andy in a relationship = awesome! Andy out of a relationship = even more friggin' awesome! I've always loved Andy and is, quite possibly, the only boyfriend my sister has had who I've ever really liked. I'm not totally sure what the deal is, but Andy + relationships don't tend to go too well for too long - I don't know if it's because he doesn't really like being tied down or whether being in a relationship disrutps his creative flow, but I know he'll get that the way he wants it.
Anyway, more to the point. Andy has the sort of attitude a lot of us should maybe strive for. He's calm on the most part, he will gladly protect the feelings of his friends, but may/not draw the line if doing so will put a strain on a relationship he has with someone else. He's very outgoing and not afriad to get stuck in. He hasn't changed too much since the day I met him, but he certainly seems a lot more confident now than when I first met him.
Little Phil would be the next. Still pretty much the same arrogant, up-his-own-ass twat he was when I met him, but that's his charm. He's a strong believer in the whole dog-eat-dog thing; "you're either with me or against me", which is reflected in his attitude. He know I'm 100% on his side in almost any battle. Look at it this way; he'll take the piss out of everyone, but he won't do it to me.
Why? I take the piss out of everyone with him is why. Example. Bullock rages, Bullock rages hard, because he bites at everything we take the piss out of him for, be it the lack of sex, the way he talks about the TA 24/7 or just his failings in general (we'll come to that in a bit). Phil takes the piss out of Bullock for everything and I join him.
Lets say Little Phil has something to take the piss out of me for - join in with him and he won't be a dick to you later. That's how he works. This has made Sarah rage at me a few times, but hey.
* I'm not talking about Bullock yet, that will probably be the biggest rant out of the lot, so that'll wait *
So next instead is probably Clarky. Love the guy, I really do. Guy's just spent God-knows how long out in Afghan and he returns home with nothing as it was. Can't say I'm surprised, but I don't think he is either, really. We've been out a few times with him and he's seen it from the outside - none of us are really that much fun-loving anymore, not compared to what we were a year ago.
This is what I'm getting at with this first blog - some people have changed dramatically in just the last year and it's not all good. It's a good reason to start writing again, is it not? Reminding you all of what you were in an attempt to respark what was once a glorious fire. As a group we were unstoppable, but now it's difficult even just to bring us all together.
Clarky's noticed this instantly, because he's seen the sudden change, not the gradual decline of our group over the past year.
For God's sake, guys, we need to bash our heads together otherwise this won't last too much longer. The camping trip, for example; is it even going to work? Yea we'll all go, we'll probably get slaughtered on drink, but will it be any fun?
Lets start off with the location, about a stone's throw away from where you all went last year - Little Phil and Hally already don't want to come and that's going to be a huge loss because, as implied with the blog so far, they're the ones keeping this group on its feet right now.
We're going to be left with a Craig who will probably sob about being so far away from Vanessa (prove me wrong, dude - do it) and a Bullock who will most likely rage at not picking up a random Scottish lass, and what about the rest? We need to look at ourselves and think about what we're bringing to this camping trip. I don't mean in supplies, I mean in personality - do we even have the personality any more to make this a FUCKING AWESOME camping trip? I'm not so sure.
I'm going to be at my worst up there, believe me. I'm going to get really fucking hammered for the first time in over 2 years, I'm going to drag you guys to do whatever fun shit comes our way and beat the shit out of anyone who doesn't conform. If I see a cliff I want to jump down, we're doing it. If we see some random we wanna scare the shit out of, we're doing it. We're not doing this to have another night out at Wetherspoon's. We're going out there to make a mark in our lives - a mark that says that these were awesome times, not ones of hardship.
I finally want to talk about Bullock - I'll try and keep it sort.
I know he's been away for God-knows how long to the Czech Republic then just randomly appears back at the doorstep, but he's clearly been the hot topic since the whole Andy/Joy fiasco that first night out at Annie Mac's.
I don't want to sit and slate him too much, because God help me I love the fucker, but someone needs to get this point across to him. First, though, I just want to apologise to him for the way I've acted recently and that, at times, I may come across a little harsh. I know these are tough times for him going through the grief he is. So I apologise.
BUT - and that's a but bigger than Sarah's. BUT, there is just something that needs to be said. It's been said before, I know it has, but Bullock really, REALLY, needs to lay off the pussy-chase and if he sits and reads this carefully he might actually get why.
Right.
We know, Bullock, you're going through a dry patch. You're seeing girls you like and you're getting rejected. This gets you a little frustrated after a while, I know, Bullock, I've been through those dry patches myself as have most of us, but you're not helping yourself in any way, shape or form.
This might seem a little unorthodox, but there have honestly been times I've just thought of hiring you a prostitute, I really have. Not to insult you that you need to pay for sex, but even just to get your confidence up just a tiny little bit to get you out of this downward spiral you're clearly heading down.
The whole Danielle thing didn't fail because of Alex or Joy or anyone other than yourself. The whole Danielle saga might seem a little pointless on its own, but the bigger picture shows that this will be the outcome of every female you encounter until you change your approach
This is what I did. I was in the same spot as you (remember the Celeste thing?). I was getting rather desperate then, but I didn't let that get to me. I wasn't about to let some dry patch stop me from getting someone. Just stop trying. Seriously. It's as simple as that.
Well, I say simple - it's actually insanely difficult to not tell a lass how you feel, but that's what you've got to do. Just play the cool guy and try to overcome your social awkwardness, because that's what's setting you back the most. Do yourself a favour and take a female, a fucking GORGEOUS female and say to yourself "right, I'm not picking this one up tonight". Walk up to her say "hi, my name's Karl, what's your's?".
You'll get some negative responses as a lot of women just kinda expect guys to want sex from them the minute they make eye contact, but you'll be surprised how many positive responses you'll get just by saying 'hi'.
Don't rely on your looks. Please don't. Of course make yourself look respectable, but don't rely on looks from across the bar to work, because they don't. Relationships on any level begin to work the minute you open your trap. Whether it be an internet friendship, a friendship IRL or even a romance - they all start by communication between the two parties.
The idea of just having a conversation with a lass and not taking her home is that you need a confidence builder. Knowing you can walk up to anyone, no matter how hawt she is, and just be able to talk (not about the TA), will make you more confident and, in turn, will help your chances of something actually going somewhere.
Your other option is date rape, but I think that's a little illegal? Not sure. Might wanna carry some of that on you just in case it's not going too well.
The female problem is also directly linked to your rage problem, or as I now like to call them "Bull". Instead of "I raged" you say "I Bull'd", because your name has now been directly linked with raging. Whenever someone rages or thinks about someone raging, you're instantly brought up in conversation. Again, it's down to the lack of female attention.
Try this one on for size. Keep a pen handy. If you feel like you're going to rage, stick it in your mouth and I will hand you my phone which is littered with awesome daily jokes. Read a few, you'll be laughing your ass off and you'll avoid the rage.
I have created a rage-o-meter for your purpose.
That actually came out really bad, but you get the picture. You see on the left are the uber cool cats like Ashby and Andy who just never get worked up about anything. Then you've got Clarky on the right-ish who, we know, loves to get in a good rage and beat the shit out of someone in a night club.
Bullock, your rage is a different type of rage to Clarky's in that you don't actively seek out fights in clubs, BUT your rage is teetering dangerously close to the edge. You're about one rage away from having a system shut down and you're gonna go fucking loopy - no joke.
You need to go from where you are to about Little Phil's level for a start, then work your way on becoming a cool-cat like Andy. Learn to control it.
Don't try so hard with the girls, either. That's what fucked up with Danielle, you try too hard. Back off, let her make the moves and you'll get what's coming to you - a nice big bowl of pussy. I drink Guinness - Good things come to those who wait. Key word - wait. Don't let the pussy rule you, rule the pussy, then they obey you.
I think I've had enough rant for one morning after work - night!
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