Brushing off the dust.

So much goes around in my head nowadays, but I just can't seem to put it down into words. I'm kind of missing the days of creativity when I'd be able to sit down in front of the screen and type about pretty much nothing for several hours. My mind now just seems to draw blank every time I feel the urge or even just a need to write everything down - it's just a little frustrating.

I mean so much has gone on sine my last blog which was written in, what, May? Five whole months and so much has changed about my life; a lot of it I feel as being negative, but there are positives in there, too. Obviously one negative is the fact I'm unattached now - for those who know the situation, yes, I know some of you may feel like I've shat on my own doorstep then proceeded to complain about the shat on my doorstep, but that is a complex issue which, on the most part, should be swept under the carpet by now - afterall, it's been well over three months.

If we take this on a slight tangent, then I could talk about relationships in general, i.e. friendships, love and family. The family part isn't really playing any large problematic role in my life, it's one of the few situations at the minute where I feel somewhat comfortable being in. Yeah, I'm 22 next month and I'm still living with my parents having never moved out, but so what? I do get the odd glimpse into living life on my own and I love it and I obviously want to get there quite quickly, but it's quite low on my priorities because of my other situation: the love life.

I get it, I'm hardly the most attractive person in the world. I'm rather short, I'm going bald before my time, I'm fat and I'm still very socially awkward - none of these are really selling points for a potential girlfriend. As wor Phil tells me "Fenwick, you can talk your way into someone's pants" which, being quite crude, isn't far off the truth. Given the fact I'm hardly the first choice for anyone, I've had to excel in other areas... um... quite what those areas are I'm still not sure, but despite my social awkwardness I know I can be fantastic with people one-on-one and that's where I shine - that's also how I tend to land girlfriends, being able to spend time with someone in my own space.

This is one massive reason I loved my car. My car, as has been said to me on a number of occasions, was an extention of my personality. My cars were never glamorous, never in briliant shape and never really good at anything - much like their owner - but everyone knows when I get behind the wheel of a car I'm instantly one of the happiest people alive. Hell, even the vans I drive at work aren't that bad and whenever I'm out on the roads with my music blaring and the windows down, everyone knows I'm happy.

I also feel it's one of the contributing factors to my lowered mood over the past few months - that and the ex. It's not so much the freedom of being able to go where I like or even the convenience of not having to use public transport, but more like I've lost someone close to me. It's not such a painful loss that I cry in the corner of my room every night, I mean I do still get to drive for a living which helps numb the pain, I suppose. I feel like once I get another car, I'll be able to enjoy myself in the capacity that I once did, because right now I feel like people are looking at me thinking I'm not good crack, I'm not fun to be around and in some cases just a little bit creepy.

I can tell I'm nowhere near as popular at the minute as I have been in the recent past. I've burned bridges with so many people and damaged relationships beyond repair - or at least close to - other relationships I choose to end, I choose to cut off from completely because it's a little too painful to see someone who I once considered a tremendous friend getting on with life whilst I'm sat here in pretty much the same situation as before.

Other friendships, though... I... I couldn't even consider friendships. These people are the ones who are really getting up my back right now. I know I complain like hell about 'pub mates' the kind of people who are more than happy to be all friendly and talkative to you when they've had a few drinks down them, but act like you don't exist when sober, however, there are certain people emerging to be far more annoying than that. I shall explain:

I hate people who lie. I loathe them, because they create nothing but a lack of trust and, to be honest, are a complete waste of space. I'll let you know the type - they're similar to the 'pub mates', they're rather two-faced but are too up themselves to admit it. I've had people pull me aside wondering why I'm acting negatively towards them wondering why they feel like I don't like them or want to be their friend. Well that's because I try to be friends. For those of you whose phone numbers I have, I only text the people I want to talk to or have something to say to - I get in touch because I want to communicate and I want to be friends and I might want to go places and do stuff; hence why you receive texts from me. Those people who claim to be my friends are the ones I try to get in touch with, those who are my friends are the ones I actually hang out with.

I know, everyone is busy, everyone has their own lives and whatnot, but whatever happened to using your brain? I'm quite open in a sense that I'm not afraid to be stuck in a room with a bunch of strangers who I might have to make conversation with. I'm quite happy meeting new people and I'm easy to get along with, so if I haven't seen you in a while and you're off out to a public event (preferably not the pub) then why not think "oh, haven't seen Fenwick in a while, I think I'll see if he wants to come along"?

This is why I hang out with little Phil more than anyone else - he's not afraid to invite me along and introduce me to a whole bunch of his uni friends because he knows I'll enjoy it and it'll be fantastic crack. Whereas other people: "Oh, sorry, can't do anything, I'm off out down the beach with a bunch of people" ...so... why not invite me along and introduce me instead of me being sat here doing nothing? I'm sure I'd enjoy it and it'll be a hell of a lot more interesting for everyone involved.

People who talk to me via text constantly, yet never hang out. I never get that one. There are some people I can text all day to, yet they always seem too busy? Sorry, that would make more sense the other way around: there are some people who are always too busy, yet I can text them all day... sounds more fitting, because it's true. I ask some people if they want to do stuff, they say they're busy, yet proceed to talk to me for the rest of the day? Can't be that busy, can you?

People who make arrangements with you then cancel them. Seems harmless, but I call bluffs on so many occasions. That winds me up more because I could knock back genuine arrangements to see this person, yet about ten minutes before I'm due to set off they'll tell me they can't make it? I could laugh my ass off if you're one of these, because it's not just you, there are more. I find it quite amusing sometimes because I'll arrange to do something with said people and I'll deliberately overlap my arrangements, which is a win-win situation... I make the arrangements expecting both to cancel, if one cancels, I go out with the other, if both of them cancel, it doesn't matter, but if neither of them cancel then I can take my pick and then cancel on the other out of spite ^_^

I'm rather cynical, aren't I? I hate people, I really do. I hate everyone right now for one reason or another. What's unusual, though, is that I'm hating people for such trivial things. I look at the past few paragraphs I've written and think "You know what - it's you. It's not everyone else being a twat, it's you". I totally agree. I know of very few people who actually care to hang out with me right now and, yes, it's because I'm such a massive dick to everyone. God forbid I actually fancy a change of scenery for once.

It's my birthday soon and I can already see how it's going to be: work in the morning, followed by sitting on my ass eating crap and fiddling with myself half naked in front of the computer complaining about how boring everyone is. Pretty much like today, then. I couldn't care. I know who my mates are and they're the ones that dragged me out on Friday, the one who decides to catch-up over a game of snooker, the one who travels half way across tyneside just to chill, and the one that's having the time of his life in Middlesbrough - they're the ones I'm considering my closest friends right now and they're hardly as close as I'd like them to be, any of them.

Getting back briefly to the love life - I'm not trying, I'm not going for it, I'm not even attempting to. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people who have perked my ears up and have made me take notice, but I'm shying away from this for as long as my mind can handle it - interestingly enough, the mind that's between my ears and not between my balls... I don't even care for sex - I don't need it. Hell, I barely even enjoy it when outside of a relationship. Yeah, some people know my magic number and some seem to think I'd do almost anything to get anyone into bed, but there was a point on Friday night, about the time when I had a complete stranger rubbing her crotch on me and her breasts about an inch from my face when I realised I really, really don't need to be chasing tail at all right now... that actually made me feel better and I think the guys notied I perked up after that, though probably not for the reasons they thought.

I'm still not really on the road to recovery. I'm nowhere near as bad as I was a couple of months ago. I was really quite wound up with everything. My mind was going to dark places and it even distracted me when I was at work - even my manager sort of picked up on it and encouraged my weekend voyage to Middlesbrough to chill the hell out away from all the stresses that have plagued me recently. Like I said, I'm still not recovered, that probably won't come until I've got a new car, a new job, a better social life and possibly a new girlfriend - it's a painfully slow process, though.

Speaking of jobs. At this present moment I'm well on the way to getting my HGV license. I did my medical a few weeks ago, no problems there. I got my provisional through the post a few days ago and I'm studying for my theory. Admittedly, I'm probably not studying half as hard as I should be, but I'll get there. Aiming to have the whole thing done before the end of the year - setting a decent target for myself. So far spent about £2,400 and got another £300 to spend, it's not the cheapest option, I know, but it's progress - a hell of a lot more progress over the past three months than any time over the past two years, I know that much.

I''ve been wanting a car for a little while now. I'm probably not going to get one til the summer at least, because it's really quite low priority unless my situation changes. However, I'm even struggling to find any car I'm trully interested in owning. Yes, it's more than likely going to be really old, or a Merc, or some kind of saloon or a roadster, or something - I really don't know. Suggestions are welcome on that part - they're not allowed to be new (usually 10 years old) or common.

It's difficult to keep my train of thought when writing this much. There's just so many things going on that my mind goes off on its own little adventures and then I forget what I'm talking about and it all ends up rather confusing, but I'm getting pretty tired of my job. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong, but it's at the point now where I've got over a year's experience in it now and, along with my new licenses, I'm going to be looking to move on quite quickly - a step up on the career ladder, I suppose. I've been working towards this for the past few years now and I'm quite happy it's finally getting to the point where I can start doing something about it.

The biggest problem for me is pay. I want to earn a consistant pay and I'd prefer it if I earned weekly, because I remember getting paid every Friday when I worked for the gas and electric companies and it was such a nice feeling having to wait no more than 7 days for your next batch of money. Took a massive pay-cut to work where I am now, but I'm hoping to at least double what I'm on now when I leave, which will do wonders for me in my attempt to get what I want money-wise. Priorities are in the order they appear along with approximate budgets:

Desktop computer £1000
Music equipment £700
Laptop: £500
Games/Consoles: £500
Clothes: £500
Car: £500 / £5,000

I think that's roughly what I want in the order I want it - the new computers and music stuff definately. Speaking of music, I want to do a bit more karaoke. Well, I don't, but I do... I mean, I want to be up on stage and I don't mind singing other people's songs, but I want to be doing a little something that draws all the attention to me for once. I do have the occasional sing song on the microphone in certain pubs on the odd occasion, but I feel I could be doing so much more with it. I really don't know what people think of my singing, I know there's a varied opinion, but there's also a big difference between hearing me singing in the car and singing on stage.

The reason I'm at a loss with people's opinions is because when I get behind the microphone I tend to attract a positive response when I'm done. I have no idea if that's just me or if it's something I'm genuinely catching onto, but sometimes I feel like I get a little more out of the crowd than others do. It might just be me, because I don't really concentrate on people's cheering and clapping when it's not me performing, I just sit there and make up my own mind about their singing within about ten seconds of hearing them.

Anyway, getting away from the point there. I've wanted to be in bands in the past, but either been rejected (because, of course, I can't actually sing) or I've ended up with a bunch of people with no ambitions and no sense of purpose. So I decided a while back I'd save up for something like Cubase or Mixcraft, getting a simple keyboard and microphone (decent quality microphone, of course) and making my own stuff, then going around the local bars (more than likely Annie's and Trocs) and getting my own little gigs.

I might be shit, I might end up doing it for one night, realising I'm shit, then packing it in. On the other hand, people might like me - people have told me before I have a massive presence on stage - and continue to do the odd gig in local pubs. I'd be quite happy doing that, I'm not aiming for fame, but just to do something I love in front of a bunch of people and hope they enjoy themselves.

One thing I would love to do, though, is create a whole bunch of songs with a variety of other bands. I'm not talking of joining the bands, but more like just doing one-off songs with a load of them. I've also got loads of ideas for live shows that I'd love to perform at larger venues. By larger I mean like the Carling Academy or even the Metro Radio Arena if I somehow managed to get such a following to fill such a place. Of course, this is all a dream, but you never know...

I think I'll wrap this up here. Remember to leave your thoughts and feelings - don't be shy, I've taken worse abuse before ^_^